Totally irrelevant...totally silly :)

sprinkle gun: hey there little one.
littlelibyan: hey there littler one
sprinkle gun: whats up?
littlelibyan: was goin on?
littlelibyan: the sky
littlelibyan: the ceiling
littlelibyan: birds
sprinkle gun: yes yes... forgot.
littlelibyan: (but don't look up at them)
littlelibyan: (they might drop something on you)
sprinkle gun: how are your classes going?
sprinkle gun: hahah
littlelibyan: they are going quite well
littlelibyan: thanks for feigning curiousity
littlelibyan: or encouragement
littlelibyan: or whatever you wanna call it
littlelibyan: oh yeah...feigning interest
sprinkle gun: your welcome
littlelibyan: :-)
sprinkle gun: =]
littlelibyan: *you are
littlelibyan: you're
littlelibyan: lol
sprinkle gun: sorry
littlelibyan: still a teacher aint i?
littlelibyan: lol
sprinkle gun: yeah
littlelibyan: the irony
sprinkle gun: we should do something over the break
sprinkle gun: my birthday is in 3 days
littlelibyan: i know dude
sprinkle gun: haha
littlelibyan: my kids are writing stories about a chex mix man they created
littlelibyan: you'll have to see it
sprinkle gun: yay!
sprinkle gun: okay.
sprinkle gun: cant wait.... they should made a cherrio woman
sprinkle gun: or dorrito lady
littlelibyan: interesting
sprinkle gun: or a cheeto girl
littlelibyan: 'run, run as fast as you can...you can't catch me I'm the chex mix man!"
littlelibyan: lol
sprinkle gun: hahaha
sprinkle gun: i had this brilliant idea about an hour ago
littlelibyan: about the cherio girl?
littlelibyan: lol
sprinkle gun: no no
littlelibyan: i c said the blind man
sprinkle gun: like i thought it would be cool, if i could say a speech on graduation
littlelibyan: to the deaf and dumb dog
littlelibyan: alrighty then
sprinkle gun: cause i have sooo much to say
sprinkle gun: and then
sprinkle gun: i wrote one
sprinkle gun: and i just finsihed it
littlelibyan: cool beans (like jack and the beanstalk)
sprinkle gun: yeah
littlelibyan: so are ya gonna pass it on?
littlelibyan: you can at least deliver it at the reception
littlelibyan: or such
sprinkle gun: the speech
sprinkle gun: ?>
littlelibyan: yeah dude
sprinkle gun: i dont know... i let you read it and then you can tell me what you think i should do
littlelibyan: kids just used the word: doubletake...cause I taught them that in class
littlelibyan: kinda silly
sprinkle gun: hahaha
littlelibyan: but yeah I'll read it
littlelibyan: yeah I'll tell you how brilliant you are
littlelibyan: :-)
sprinkle gun: hahaha.
sprinkle gun: why, thank you kind lady.
sprinkle gun: but, really i dont think im brilliant
littlelibyan: yes 'ma de-aahhhar'
sprinkle gun: lol
sprinkle gun: hmmm
sprinkle gun: what are you doing?
littlelibyan: helping kids with stories
sprinkle gun: oh
sprinkle gun: well, i am going to go.. call me over the break and maybe we can get together and do somehting.
sprinkle gun: asalamuahlakum!
sprinkle gun: i luh you.
littlelibyan: luh u 2 dude
littlelibyan: walaikum salam
littlelibyan: see ya soon baby june
littlelibyan: lol
littlelibyan: :-)
sprinkle gun: lol, yeah see you soon bafoon.
sprinkle gun: i dont think i spelled that right
littlelibyan: after while pedophile
littlelibyan: lol
littlelibyan: lol
littlelibyan: lol
littlelibyan: lol
littlelibyan: lol
sprinkle gun: hahhaah
sprinkle gun: well, poo on you.
sprinkle gun: ya foo.
littlelibyan: cool dude
sprinkle gun: yea..kbye.
littlelibyan: goo goo
littlelibyan: (dolls)
sprinkle gun: iris
littlelibyan: k buh bye
sprinkle gun: i love that song
littlelibyan: me 2
littlelibyan: dude
sprinkle gun: ahhh
littlelibyan: hasta luego
littlelibyan: sianara
littlelibyan: (is that how you spell it)
sprinkle gun: dont know.
littlelibyan: me either
littlelibyan: hence the reason i asked
sprinkle gun: ah
littlelibyan: chuckles
littlelibyan: *wave
littlelibyan: *blows kisses
sprinkle gun: xoxoxoxoxooxxoxoxoxo
littlelibyan: *hug in the air
sprinkle gun: bye me little libyan sista.
sprinkle gun: my*
littlelibyan: buh bye my littler syrian american sprinkle gun
littlelibyan: :-P
sprinkle gun:
littlelibyan: k fur real now
littlelibyan: see ya
littlelibyan: later
littlelibyan: fridgerator
sprinkle gun: aligator
sprinkle gun: peace.
littlelibyan: in the middle east
littlelibyan: hope
sprinkle gun: fo rizzle. tru dat.
littlelibyan: in the west coast
sprinkle gun is away at 3:04:43 PM.

Unbelievable!

The room is silent. All heads are bowed down in deep contemplation of problem number one. Some eyes dart to the ceiling as they rack their brain for the answers. Some hands are frantically marking answers as if in fear that the words would escape them otherwise. The room remains silent for many minutes as I weave in and out of the rows noting right and wrong answers.

Just as I have a seat at my desk, a hand shoots up. It is so still, so quiet, the raised hand almost seems to slice through the air.

"Are these REAL questions?" asks the child with confusion on his face.

And for the third time today I am answering this question. "Simply follow the instructions," I reply with a straight face.

These questions are easy freebies in reality. And more importantly, they are great ways to wind up a tense testing session. What would your answer be?

N. For the purpose of getting extra points, simply mark an answer to these very serious questions.

78. How many licks does it take to get to the tootsie roll center of a tootsie pop?
A. One
B. Three
C. Huh?
D. I don’t like tootsie pops.
E. Don’t have a clue; can’t remember this commercial

79. Where can one find the end of the rainbow?
A. In the desert.
B. You can’t.
C. I’m not telling. The gold’s all mine
D. Why do you ask?
E. Elementary, my dear Watson.

80. If you could pick your grade, what would it be?
A. Nothing less than an A+.
B. The usual: C+
C. I’ll settle for an ordinary A.
D. Grades? What? We have a test?
E. B+ is good enough for moi.

In all seriousness...

Muslimah: It just took me 2 hours to write a stupid test. I bet my students won't take that long to study. :) one more test for 8th grade to go and only 6th and 7th thereafter. woohoo :) life as a teacher is simply grand.

Cool3teach: Omg, teacher of the year! You should see my leg.

(NOTE: She fell in my classroom last night and totally hurt herself...I guess you can guess where)

Muslimah: Forget your leg, when do I get a plaque? Okay, I will settle for at least some oreas with a shot of dayquil. "I would like to thank all the little people I had to assign detention, all the littler people I skipped in the halls with, and all the parents I avoided like the plague. Without you all, I could never have made it this far." *tear*

(NOTE: I am getting over a cold hence the Dayquil. Plus I went over to her house this weekend and, the wonderful hostess she is, she served me a shot of Dayquil in a nice glass---the orangey-ness of it was beautiful...kinda like our friendship! :) lol)

Cool3teach: Not so fast on that acceptance speech, you're forgetting the competition, 3rd grade teacher in pollenation demonstration.

(NOTE: If you could see her very cute demonstration for pollenation you might vote for this creative chick. However, watching her get ready for the demonstration---she had to use her own spit to do it---was truly amazing...something out of 'Muslimah Teachers gone very WRONG" or the such...j/k.)

Gettin' there

I sat back in my chair sipping my second cup of sugar (with just a little bit of tea mind you). I listened half-heartedly, wishing to be anywhere but right here listening to the troubles of middle-aged women visiting on a Saturday afternoon. I did not betray my annoyance when asked me if I drank tea before my step-mom came around ("Because Americans like iced tea...oh, I forgot your father is Arab...") or when she asked me if my mother [Allah yarhamha] used to cut my hair short when I was young ("Not often? No wonder your hair is thinner than mine...") or when she asked me if I am on a diet ("Don't be embarassed! I'm dieting too!"). No, I just answered politely and kept my eyes on the children. But when the conversation turned to other things, I woke up.

"See all my grey hairs?"

I took a look. I responded in the fashion that was required of me:

"It's not really all that noticable," I reply. "Looks kinda like highlights." And it does, kinda.

I'm 22 and listening to a conversation about the best way to dye your grey hair. I listen to old wives' tales about how to stop your hair from turning grey. I listen as they make excuses for the grey hair on their head ("When I first moved to America, I was SO scared that I started having grey hair! If I hadn't been so scared I would have naturally dark hair. Fear really makes you age, and have grey hair."). I'm 22 and don't care if they have grey hair...and then something happened:

"Ohmigosh...I'm gonna have grey hair!!!"

I am 22, and what have I done??? Where has all the time gone? I'm gonna have grey hair!!! AHHHHHHHHH!

But wait.

Sometimes I think about my mom (Allah yarhamha). She died before she was 40 (at 39...only two months shy of 40). And if I were to die like her, I am already past the halfway marker. And if I die before that, then I really need to start shaping up. SubhanAllah, you never know. But something in me awakened after listening to them. I don't want to be them. I don't want to be like them.

I think I'll embrace whatever comes, when it comes. Maybe I'll be a cool grey headed person. Wait...I wear hijab. Who cares??? :)

La-di-dah!

Today, I danced with the elementary students! It was super fun!!! We did a "Ohmigosh, I'm so happy it's snowing" dance outside after I overplayed (screamed with joy along with silly kids) the first snowflake I saw. I've never felt so alive! :)

I'm gonna go back to school and get my certification in Elementary Education also. I love little kids...I think!

Isn't she purrty?

Ohmigosh!

My hamster may be pregnant! What am I gonna do???? This will be fun to explain. I've already gotten questions: "Hey, teacher, how is it pregnant? Where is her husband? Doesn't it take two?"

Ohmigosh, won't this be fun?!

Fear

I wonder what they will do if I ever move out of this place? Who will get my room? And most importantly, what will I do with all my junk??? :)

I thought of that this morning and was holding it inside until I could write it on my blog. Well, now it looks kinda silly, but I've promised myself I'd write it. And more importantly, I've promised myself not to delete anything I write. I deem it blogger ethics: If a blog is truly representative of my feelings and thoughts at any particular moment, then I, the blogger, cannot by any means erase my feelings and therefore must not delete any of those thoughts as put on paper (or in this case, electronic format). Also, if a blog is truly representative of my feelings and thoughts at any particular moment, then any one post will likely be contradicted by another post because of the ambiguity of the author's feelings. Further, the blog will act like a journal of deeds and thoughts and actions to be used by the author and potential readers as lessons to learn from: take from what is good (alhamdulillah) and make not the same mistakes as the author.

And so, I now fear that I have written things that may cause grief or pain. I fear that I may have transcribed feelings that should be left intimately my own. I fear that I am wrong. But should that be so, I will not delete. I will not censure my feelings or thoughts. For, I swear, sometimes they just fall from my fingertips and I don't even know I am writing. Sometimes, they are lifted from my mind and placed in full view. And this scares me. But it is this fear that I must face. For if you know me, you now know me well. And if you do not, you know me better than most. I fear hurting others and myself. Above all I think I fear silence.

And silent I am not.

Why?

Because sometimes more than anything you wanna be held.
Because sometimes, more than anything, you wanna be true to more than just your minds.
Because sometimes your heart just bleeds and it is beyond your ability, beyond your desire to let it stop.
Because sometimes you miss her presence even though you have forgotten.
Because sometimes it hurts to realize what you’ve forgotten.
Because your whole world seems wrong.
Because you’ve tried to do everything right but you’re not where you thought you’d be.
Because there is a little piece of ocean inside of me that no one sees.
Because that little piece is a big burden.
Because I wanna let go.
Because I am afraid of I don’t know what.
Because to others I am the boulder.
Because I can’t have.
Because I’m not true though I’m the most down-to-earth.
Because I’m conceited.
Because I’m not sure but I make sure you think I am.
Because I’m scared of next year.
Because I loved of love and lost the feeling.
Because I fear I’ve missed my chance.
Because I want to hold hands.
Because I made stupid mistakes.
Because I like being alone.
Because I drive at night to no where just to be alone under the stars where nothing can reproach me or make me rigid.
Because I’m the youngest, yet the strongest.
Because I’m the oldest.
Because I was the only girl.
Because I loved and thought.
Because I’m lost inside my thoughts.
Because tomorrow I will face the world and pretend I am okay.
Because I am okay.
Because I have all that I really need.
Because I am blessed.
Because I have more than others.
Because even when I am sad I cannot allow myself the luxury of tears.
Because even when the pangs of fright are near I cannot allow them to be cause of my display of weakness.
Because they’ll read what’s in my head.
Because they’ll not understand.
Because I’m freer now than I’ve ever been.
Because I’m tired.
Because I need to leave.
Because I wish to go on.
Because sometimes more than anything, you wish.
Because sometimes life is made upon wishes.
Because it’s hard to see beyond the glasses.
Because sometimes what you want makes you feel worse.
Because not knowing something is horrible.
Because it’s never your voice on the other end.
Because I thought if I really wanted something I would have it then and there.
Because I don’t want to hear about it.
Because this time it’s for me.
Because I will allow myself to be detached.
Because the facts of my childhood have become the fiction of my adulthood.
Because I write letters to anyone and never send them.
Because sometimes being obvious is wrong.
Because I can’t stop writing.
Because I can’t get it outta my head.
Because I feel trapped.
Because I despise him.
Because I just needed backup.
Because I want to be fought over.
Because I want to respect.
Because I want to sleep in late.
Because I want to dance.
Because I want to be surprised.
Because I need time alone.
Because I need my own time.
Because I’ve become numb.
Because I’m rotting on the inside.
Because I’m in pain.
Because I’ve let people down.
Because I’ve let myself down.
Because I’m falling.
Because I should give more of me.
Because sometimes I’m incoherent.
Because sometimes I laugh too much.
Because I’m a helpless romantic.
Because I’m hard as stone.
Because I’d melt like wax.
Because someone’s hands could mold me.
Because I want to be great.
Because I cannot give it all.
Because I write forever.
Because I fear what I feel.
Because sometimes writing makes it all clear.
Because sometimes reading helps make sense of it all.
Because sometimes I confuse even myself.
Because they laughed at me.
Because my point was valid.
Because I never falter to have an opinion since then.
Because I fear the mediocre.
Because I write to feel better.
Because I can only be what I am.
Because I cannot cry.
Because I am weak.
Because I appear strong.
Because this fearful soul is fearless.
Just because I am.

Proposals

Yesterday, my 6th grade Language Arts class had two assignments. The first was an independent project---a worksheet. The second was a group project due Friday. I promised them the last 15 minutes of class to have a group meeting to discuss the project, and even though it was so quiet while they were working on their worksheet, I did follow through with my promise and allowed them fifteen minutes of meeting time. After making sure everyone was situated properly, I retired to my desk. Not five minutes later, I look up from my stack of papers waiting to be graded to find Justin at my desk waiting patiently to speak with me.

"Um, Teacher?"

"Yes, Justin?" I respond.

"I need a wife," says this 11 year old student of mine. He does not flinch nor smile. He is as serious as can be. I was taken by surprise. I mean, I still teach them Islam, but middle schoolers asking to be hooked up with a spouse? Yeah, I had no idea how this thought seriously crossed his mind.

"Well Justin, don't you think you are too young to get married?" At this point, he begins to protest.

"No, teacher that's not what..."

But at this point I begin laughing uncontrollably. I cannot stop myself. He is not shy; he joins me in our whole-hearted laughter. Finally I ask him what he means.

"Well, you know how for our project we have to do a reader's theater production of a scene from the story?" Being the one who assigned the project for our literature assignment of the week, I was well aware of the requirements of the project. I replied in the affirmative. "Well, I need a wife for my character."

"Oh," I reply, finally making sense of his slant towards matrimony. "So what do you want me to do? Would you like me to ask one of the girls to play that part with your team?"

"No," he begins. "Teacher, would you be my wife?"

Isn't that the sweetest thing ever? I'll remind him of that when he is older with ten kids of his own, insha'Allah! :)

Confessions again

My back hurts really bad.

I feel too philosophical at moments that it nearly drives me insane.

i have this theory about death and young people that I want to write about, but I'll save that for later. At least this will remind me.

I can't cry anymore. It is a weakness that I cannot. And I cannot because I find it a sign of weakness. Rather ironic I think.

Watched Pride & Prejudice with my buddies. Rented the much better older version tonight. Despite it's flaws however, the movie was worth it. I enjoyed my date with Mr. Darcy immensely.

:)

I have no idea what I am gonna wear to school tomorrow. It'll probably be my abaya because I am too lazy to iron anything.

I hope I get to go to my friend's wedding in Detroit this December. But if I do, what in the world am I gonna wear???? And it will be cold...very cold...I hate the cold...I love a party though!

My back hurts really bad...

Dream World

Setting: A large vast piece of land. From where we are standing, a small lake is visible in the distance. There are trees placed randomly by God in all directions. However, directly in front of us (it seems as if we have come from that area) there are many trees that have been planted in two parallel rows and are making a wide, yet low tunnel. Here in the open area, there are birds overhead, the sun shines beautifully, and the world is reminiscent of a heaven of our dreams.

Characters:
Teacher- This is me. I am exactly as I normally am, dressed for school.
Justin-One of my students. He is a great kid and, masha'Allah, a great Muslim.
Hakeem-Another of my students. A very polite, almost timid kind of guy.

Although both of these students are in the sixth grade and are rather tall (at least to my shoulders), in my dream they appear to be much younger and much shorter.

Act I: Confidence

I am lead to the open field by my students. It is a breathtaking view. The world is beautiful. I have never been to this place although it is clear that the boys frequent the area. They are excited that they get the opportunity to show me such a beautiful recluse. I am honored that they feel safe enough to share this magnificent place with me. It is very early in the morning, perhaps just after sunrise. It feels that the world is ours.

The boys wish to take me fishing first. As we walk towards the lake, I make note of the splendid setting. The boys are beaming as I take in the breathtakingly spectacular view.

Teacher: Masha'Allah guys, this place is beautiful.
The boys beam.
Teacher: How did you ever find such a place?
Hakeem: I don't know...we....
Justin: We just knew.
Hakeem: And you are the first person we showed it to.
Justin: Yeah, no one knows about this place. Well, almost no one.

Assuming they are speaking of themselves, Teacher (I) looks away at the beautiful scenery. I do not seem to notice the boys' hesitant glances at each other. But the darkness that had momentarily flashed upon their faces, disappears as they take their teacher's hands and run through the green fields.

ACT II: All that glitters

Finally making it to the lake, I am about to ask how the boys intend to fish when they have not brought fishing gear. But before I can ask anything, noise overhead breaks the sweetness of the moment.

Teacher: What is that?
Justin and Hakeem exchange nervous glances at each other.

Hakeem: I thought they don't come until evening.
Justin: So did I!

I now notices that the boys have become fearful. They were carefree only a moment ago, but now look at each other with desperation.

Justin: Teacher, we have to go.
Teacher: But...
Hakeem: NOW!

They speak with urgency. The complete change in their voices and demeanor give Teacher the chills.

Teacher (to herself): What could possibly make children so scared and drain them of happiness?

Both boys grab me by the hand and begin running. In their glee only moments ago, the three had ran throughout the pastures filled with happiness. But now filled with fear, the three find that they have run far from their point of entrance, now their point of escape.

Above head, I notice a fighter plane. It is green and rather old, but a fighter plane no less. There are soldiers on parachutes falling from the sky. The men seem faceless, hidden behind heavy green uniforms and dark masks and goggles. They carry guns and look ready for combat. I look to my right and see Hakeem running at my pace. I glance at my left and notice Justin continually speeding up only to slow down. I look around at the scene that had made us happy only to notice it is not what I had noticed initially.

Teacher: Look, there are....
The boys both nod their heads in unison.

I (Teacher) have noticed the fences. They did not appear in the beginning of their outing, but they are as visible as the sun was a moment ago. The world has become dark, everything we had imagined was no more. The fence itself is the worst part. It is ominous. It is enclosing us into a place that has become ugly beneath our running feet.

The boys are leading me to the alley of trees from which we entered. I now notice for the first time how short the path is. In order to pass through, I will need to bend over, almost as if in Ruku'.

Justin: Come on teacher, we have to hurry.
Hakeem: We have to get outta here before....

But I do not hear the rest of Hakeem's sentence. I do not need to. We are passing the men in uniform now. I can see that they are searching for something. I do not wish to be the hunted.

Justin: Just trust us Teacher.

I do trust them. But I should be the one protecting them, not vice versa. We run as fast as we can. I am breathless, but surprised that I can keep up with the two young students. They take my hand as we reach the opening of the tunnel of trees, and it is at this point that I realize something that disturbs me. These boys are so young, and I am old. I have been invited into the world of children, to Neverland as it were. And here I had a brief glimpse into childhood once more. And now the pirates had come. They have ruined our minds, our paradise. These soldiers have taken away the innocence of these two boys. I am now beginning to hate these soldiers more than I fear them. But I leave them behind, the gunshots and fighting behind, as we enter the tunnel that will lead us to the real world of such crimes.

Even things lost and forgotten can live on in your head forever.

Ouch

I wish you were here

here next to me

Been missing you

so, so desperately

I am hurting...
this song is touching and introspective
can't get it outta my head

How I'm missing you...

Yeah, missing
missing out

"break outta the darkness of ignorance"

Not so easy bro
it safe without knowledge
no matter how we hurt ourselves
and those close to us

The Quran has left our hearts

Stranded, hanging on our walls

Desperate for a piece

of that heaven

we verbally seek it

but only partially

walk toward

ouch

--Italicized lyrics from "I've Seen" by Outlandish feat. Sami Yusuf

Lunch Duty---written on a napkin

Cafeteria--November 23, 2005--12:50 p.m.

I have lunch duty today, hence the fact that I am in the cafeteria with a bunch of loud boys. :) Just now I envisioned a massive food fight---the kind where everyone is covered head-to-toe in greasy foods. And I imagined myself running to the middle to make them stop only to become drenched in yuck!---Then this led me to think about a show that used to come on Nickelodeon when I was little. Something about a camp, two red-headed brothers named Pete (I think), and all the trouble they caused. Oh, and they hung boxer shorts on the flagpole.

Anyone know what I'm talking about?

---end of transmission on napkin in cafeteria---12:55

Ya Ruhi! Ya Rabi!

Does it feed into my soul?
Does it feed on my soul?
Does it place fear in my soul?

Do I fear my soul?

Do I feed my soul?

Do I feel my soul?

..................................................

The words are digging a tunnel
to the depth of my hurt soul
My heart has stopped its
beating only to give me
chance to breath free
from the troubles of
this bright world I
love so much but
hate deeply. I
stand alone
as I wished
to be.Yet
I stand
alone
as I
hate
to
be.

Bad dreams...harsh lesson

I had a terrible dream last night about mi padre... I cried in my dream and felt horrible even after waking. Makes me think about how much I take what I have for granted. I love my daddy, even when he frustrates me and makes me mad. He is my Baba and will always be the first man I've ever loved---my dear Baba. I think I'll call him and tell him I love him...

May Allah protect my family and make us all better Muslims! Ameen!

Tough Guy in a pink tutu...

Alhamdulillah, I slept like a baby last night. But, I missed the loud hamsters noises. I missed their little fights and loud exercises on the wheel. *wipes away tear*..............What the heck am I saying???? How do you get attached to furry mice in only one weekend??? Maybe I'll take them home this Thanksgiving weekend...

WOOOHOOOO!

We finally have a new Islam teacher!!!! *happy dance* And it is another male teacher (now we have four in the building full-time)...finally have more guys in the building to kick these students into shape. It is really kinda sad, but middle schoolers tend to react differently to guy teachers than they do to female teachers. But I don't care... We finally have a new Islam teacher! *halal happy dance*

:)

Psychobabble

Last night I lay on my bed thinking. Then I thought of something that I felt I needed to write down. It was genius. It was relevant to the most important matters in life.

"What if he wears old black T-shirts turned gray?"

-Me at 12:10 a.m.

It is now completely weird. Why would I feel compelled to rise from my dark reverie and write down that one line in my journal? Maybe this is reason enough to convince me to stop thinking right before I sleep.... ummmm, yeah, like that's gonna happen. :)

Let me leave you with another great quote by me. Still on my marker board from last week's lesson on transitive and intransitive verbs:

"Teacher K ran around the block screaming like a madwoman."

(Yeah, it is intransitive...yeah, it was fun....yeah, I am a madwoman...)

You live, you learn: Experience Prison

In the Name of Allah, the Most Gracious, the Most Merciful

Each of us knows what it is like to begin something you’ve never done, to go somewhere foreign, and to experience something completely new. We know the feelings of anxiety, determination, even excitement that comes at such moments in our lives. And as with everything in this life, we must learn from our experience and take away that which will make us stronger humans, better Muslims. As I agreed to go along a trip to the Taft Correctional Facility, I was determined to do just that. However, I was unaware as to the extent that visit would affect and inspire me.

SISTERHOOD
I think it was a sense of duty towards all my sisters, including my incarcerated sisters, which made me go. I had no reservations towards visiting a correctional facility. Indeed my father used to visit such facilities when I was younger and would return home the same as he went. But I never imagined that I would be of those to sign up for such an excursion. So when Sister Omaya asked me to accompany her and some other sisters to the facility, my initial thought was to make my excuses and be on my merry way. However, Allah had better plans. For how could I not go when I had no reason to stay home? What were my plans for a Sunday morning/afternoon? Could I not sacrifice a few hours of rest for extra good deeds and to show sisterly solidarity? Allah knows I need more of His blessings and sisters also. And so I feel that it was guidance from Allah that led me to Taft that Sunday morning, and it was with His blessings we were allowed to meet.
The ride to Taft, Oklahoma is a long one. Enough time to tell stories, laugh, and joke. Enough time to mentally prepare ourselves for the unknown world some of our sisters temporarily call home. But no amount of time could prepare me for the genuine happiness, the sincere joy our sisters shared as we drove to the programs building. I don’t think I have ever been hugged and kissed by any sister at our Masjid as sincerely as my sisters in Taft embraced me before they even knew my name. It was as if I were the one removed from society only to return home to them. These sisters who each wore her scarf a little differently, whose eyes sparkled though differing in colors, whose skin glowed no matter the shade, welcomed me into their arms, their world; I felt their warmth even in the small recesses of my soul.

DETERMINATION, PERSEVERANCE, AND THIRST FOR KNOWLEDGE
Allah says in the Holy Quran that it is only through Him that guidance is given. He guides whom He pleases in whichever ways He pleases. And since He is the best planner, we know His ways are the best despite our limited knowledge. These sisters have faced adversity in life. They may have made their mistakes and are receiving their punishment in this life. But things are not nearly as bleak as they seem. Allah promises that even in every apparent bad thing or calamity there is good, if only we knew. They may not be in the best of all places, but Allah has blessed these sisters with guidance and mercy, even as they may receive a punishment.
Every day of our lives we face problems that may be minute or grandiose. Either we face our fears and carry on with faith in Allah’s plan, or we fall a half-step behind with ill decisions and lose a little of ourselves and our religion. After meeting the sisters of Taft, I know a little better how determination, perseverance, and a thirst for knowledge can make you a model and bring you closer to Allah.
After coming to Taft, I see how my sisters have become determined to better themselves. Whether it be completing their GED, getting a college degree, or simply coming to the religious classes offered by Muslim brothers and sisters, these sisters are determined to gain something from their time in incarceration. Allah has given them this opportunity and they have taken advantage of such a blessing.
There are times when Sister Asiya, the leader of the group, may not be able to get what she needs for the class Sister Omaya teaches, or she may reach some obstacle in her path to acquiring clearance for Ramadan or Eid activities. But as this strong sister has taught me in our short acquaintance, where there is a will, there is a way. And as she and the other sisters stand for their rights and explain their beliefs, they remain firm. Such perseverance is a true sign of great leadership and deserves respect.
“Whenever I teach her something, she comes back for more,” jokes Sister Asiya about Sister Hedaya soon after she took her Shahada. After attending classes on Islam and fasting Ramadan, Hedaya accepted Islam on Sunday, November 13. Her story is not the only one of guidance. The same day Sister Hala also said her Shahada after weeping as she watched our congregational Asr prayer. All of the sisters I met that Sunday came for the sake of Allah. Week after week they get together to seek knowledge and get closer to Allah. And I pray that He continue to guide them and bless their gathering, week after week.

PULPITS OF LIGHT
Ever experience we go through offers some wisdom though we may not initially see it. Although I had no intention of visiting a correctional facility one month ago, I was sent in that direction. Even though I was sure that I would be the one to teach others about Islam, I became the student. My sisters have given me something no one but Allah can take away. They have blessed me with a glimpse into true sisterhood. They have taught me about determination and perseverance. And through their enthusiasm, I can better appreciate true thirst for knowledge.
The following Sunday I returned to Taft Correctional Facility to meet with my sisters once more. On this second visit Sister Omaya gave a brief Islamic lesson. She spoke of the Day of Judgment. She told us about the Hadiths of the Prophet (peace be upon him) and the words of Allah in the Holy Quran. She reminded us that on the Day of Judgment each of us will have our own records to worry about. On that Day each of us will fear for our own soul. But on that day their will be those upon whom Allah will shower with mercy. These believers will rest on pulpits of light even as everyone else is in fear. Each of different backgrounds, cultures, and races, they will receive such blessings even though they are neither martyrs nor prophets. They are the believers who love each other for the sake of Allah. For such love they will be safe on pulpits of light on the day of turmoil, the Day of Judgment. May Allah make us of those who strive to do what is right and refrain from what is wrong. May He bless us and guide us. And may He make us of those who love each other for His sake, resting on pulpits of light on the Day of Judgment.

Hamsters Must Die

Just kidding...but I must do something about them. I think I shall call them Pinky and the Brain. The Brain is super smart: already escaped from the cage twice yesterday. Pinky is just happy burrowing under the pine shavings. They are trouble makers and I believe they are trying to take over the world (well, at least my room). But last night they were successful in waking me up because they were fighting.

SERIOUSLY: FIGHTING HAMSTERS!

I think I should not have put the two of them in one cage that size. Maybe it needs to be bigger. Either way, I'm kinda scared of the lil things now. Plus very angry that I have to wake up in the middle of the night to yell at them as if they were children (The teacher in me: "Cut it out!"). ;)

Happy Thoughts

Okay, no more negativity (I'll save all that for later :).

My class has two hamsters as pets now... Nice to have some kind of companionship in my life! :)

The suggestions for names thus far:

Thunder and Lightning
Tom and Jerry
Scabbers (from Harry Potter)

We'll see. I think I will have to take them home and freak my step mom out! :) I can see her face when I bring 'mice' into the house!

The Menace

A kid flushed an eraser down the toilet the other day....

Then he writes something inappropriate on my magnetic poetry board...

Then he annoys me once already today, and I'll have him for class two more times later thanks to the lack of substitutes....

He's seriously making my life stressed...

Bad day?

AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!! I think I hate....no, no I don't. I love the lovely, awesome childen. I love my wonderful, overpaid job. *psychotic smile*

Okay, seriously: Alhamdulillah for what I got....I'm just stressed.

Bounce wit me

I haven't heard the whole thing yet.... but if I don't post it, I'll forget about it.

Islamic hip hop audio documentary:

http://www.bbc.co.uk/1xtra/tx/documentaries/islamichiphop.shtml

Confession

I'm a teacher but I hate grading papers.

I smiled today because I got to send words far away...but I almost didn't send them.

I have a major headache because my students were loud today.

I hate it when the Principal is not here... we are too small of a school to have a Principal/teacher out... but he is sick so may Allah grant him shifa.

During my plan period, I sometimes turn off the lights in my classroom and lay on the floor to take a nap or just to chill.

I recycle gift bags... I always try to give it to a different person than the one who gave it to me in the first place.

I read to escape.

I hate going home. I would rather stay out all day.

I used to pretend that I could get radio stations in my head when I was in middle school.

I also used to have these weird 'episodes' where I would feel like someone was talking to me and my head was gonna explode...I think they were panic attacks. :(

I miss my mommy. I dreamed about her indirectly the other day. I hope she is proud of me when the angels come around each week.

I wanna fly far away. I wanna go now. I almost feel like quitting this school year although it is against my moral code.

I watched Wifeswap last night... dumb yet hilarious yet super dumb...

"Losing My Religion" by R.E.M. (I think) seems to be the song that reminds me of me the most...I think of it every once in a while.

I'm not really losing my religion, just things like "I don't know if I can do it/ oh no, I've said too much/ I haven't said enough" summarize how I feel at times.

I want to go swimming.

I think I should go snowboarding some day... The mountains, the snow...

I bought "Muslim Boarders" about Muslim Snowboarders (clever :)...supposed to be 40 minutes long, it was only 20 minutes. I feel cheated.

Kids nowadays have more 'Islamic' music, movies, and outspoken role models than ever before. Yet they are ungrateful. Or maybe because I'm now 22 I am finally grateful.

I don't like cold weather when it is cold or hot weather when it is hot.

I've never seen the ocean. I want to see the beach.

Maybe I should fly away to neverland.

If I didn't take the time to reflect, I would go crazy.

Oh Allah, thank You.

A student just walked into my room....

So have you found a guy yet?

Uhhhh....for whom?

For you, duh! Come on teacher it is easy...

It's not like you can go to a grocery store...

Yeah it is. There are guys at the grocery store.

Oh the wonderful world of Wardah. :)

EVIL, PURE EVIL

I was supposed to go to the gym this morning at 5:30 but my friend couldn't meet me bc of car problems... then I am supposed to go afterschool today but I forgot my clothes... INSTEAD I'm just gonna eat my Arby's sandwich with greasy fries and a diet coke...I know: evil, pure evil.... :)

"One's heighth in success is determined by one's depth in struggles."
-Sister Sherah Jamilah, incarcerated individual

fragmented

Fragmented pieces of my heart I feel
From the child crying
Because of a desire
For what is not his
To the man as he kneels
In front of the pillar
In the Mosque on the hill.
From the children with rocks who feel
It’s the only way to survive
Either that or be killed.
From the innocent baby
Who cries for the first time
Taken from his mother’s womb
Not knowing all the while
His father was killed
By a stray bullet though
He was not on a battlefield.
From my sister with the strength
To wear hijab
On the streets of a country
Where she thought she had
The freedom to be the
Great person she is,
Little does she know
Legislation has passed
Making her ‘freer’ by
Locking her into tight jeans
And t-shirt
Making her ‘free’ from
The ‘oppression’ of the
Liberation of her religion.
From my brother with
The faith to move mountains
Who has no fear of asking
For five minutes to pray
Who cares not
Who finds him with his
Feet in the sink of
A bathroom occupied by colleagues
Who doesn’t mind being caught in
The middle of salah
As he prays for their
Souls and his.
From the young girl
As she prepares
The sweets she’ll share
With her classmates
On the day before Eid.
As she explains her
Religion and the
Beautiful things
Even a third grader can see.
From these members of my family-my Ummah
To the inner workings
Of my heart…all this
And more shall I feel
All this and more
MUST I feel in order
To be a working vessel
Of hope and love
And devotion in
This grand Ummah.
My heart is fragmented,
But loves all my
Brothers and sisters
I feel but can’t see.

TEFL (Teaching English as a Foreign Language)

I applied for a job...I applied to teach English as a foreign language in Libya. Yes, I found a job opening, I applied, and now I wait. I would LOVE to get this job. Then maybe I can finally see my extended family (whom I have never met). Maybe then I can see the land where my father grew up. Maybe then I can let go of everything I hold on to in order to stand back from others. Maybe I won't be disillusioned anymore. Maybe...

It would be nice to have Aunts and Uncles. It would be nice to know what it is really like to have cousins. It would be nice to get away from the everyday, never-changing world which is mine (although it is I who have kept it as such).

I just pray that Allah give me what is best for me in this life and the next. Ameen.

Locked up

I'm gonna visit the women's minimal security prison today. It'll be my first time going. We are having an Eid party for the incarcerated Muslimahs there. I think there have been quite a few sisters who have become Muslim after being placed in that prison. I am not scared by any means. I know that in Oklahoma we have the largest number of women in prisons for minor infractions...and these sisters have had their slates wiped clean by the deen. I hope all goes well. May Allah make it easy and enjoyable.

It's my party...I'll cry if I want to

Okay, there is no party. And I won't cry. Still can't bring myself to do that just yet. You know, I think crying is the most intimate of things I could share with a friend. I feel so weak and helpless when I cry that I could only share that with those VERY close to me. I just don't let myself cry otherwise...can't remember the last time I cried with someone... or in front of someone... but that's okay, such is life.

Mi amiga

Maysa, you are too cool.

You are also older than me...by two days.

Two days in a row we go to the Y.

Two pounds better have been dropped by the end of two more.

We are two cool twenty-two year olds.

Yeah, Maysa, you are too cool.

I love you, too!!!

:)

Hijab in style

Last night I decided to try to style my hijab differently. I am sick of wearing it the same way all the time. I have been inspired to wear it differently before, but could never find a way that satisfied my desire to be modest yet stylish. But last night I managed to find a way that made me content. I am currently wearing an underscarf piece around my neck (pink). I am then wearing an oblong scarf tied around my head with the two ends are hanging over my shoulders and down the front of my jacket like a regular scarf (black with hanging threads). I looks different but nice.

My students have mixed feelings in regard to my new style:

"Nice scarf Teach!" said a fifth grade girl.

"What happened to your scarf?" said a 7th grade boy.

"Oh," said some high school girls as they take a second look. "You know, that actually looks nice."

"That's just weird!" said another 7th grade boy.

"You look nice teacher," said an 8th grader. "SIKE!"

Well, at least they noticed. :)

I'm really doing this because the girls need to realize that to be modest and covered doesn't have to be the same way for everyone. Each of us should be an individual with unique tastes. And if I like my scarf like this, more power to me.

Friends + Exercise=loss of sleep

I can't stop smiling because I actually worked out today! I can't believe it. I actually got up and active at 6 a.m. You know it is definitely one thing to wake up...and a completely different thing to actually go the Y and work out.

We did indoor bicycling today. I don't think I will do that again. I couldn't stand while biking, I couldn't jump, I couldn't even bike with much resistance. Makes me sad...I'm weak, but energized this morning.

Yesterday we did step. That was awesome. I think I could do that everyday. Well, I wasn't a good step participant, but it was still fun. I couldn't follow along the entire time (I ended up just marching in place when I couldn't get it) but it was fun to be able to do any of the steps.

You know exercise is good. Friends who make you go are also good. Loss of sleep is bad. Naps, however, are very good!

When you wish upon a star....makes no difference who you are

As I stood in the deserted parking lot, the most amazing thing happened. I witnessed, for the first time in my life, a shooting star.

The light of something overhead caught my eye. As if a plane had caught fire and was zooming past my very eyes. As if a rainbow of one light, one color were passing through my space. As if God were sending me a message written of light and love.

I saw the light burn and sizzle into nothingness behind my car, my Masjid, my school, my world. I saw something millions of miles away remind me of things we forget. It took the death of that star to make me see the millions of other lights in the sky.

For the first time in my life, I saw a shooting star. For the first time, I breathed in both fear and hope while standing in the presence of life forgotten.

A shooting star: a magnificent reminder.

SubhanAllah.

Eid Kareem

EID MUBARAK

*happy dance* *happy dance*

Allahu Akbar
Allahu Akbar
Allahu Akbar
La illaha Illa Allah

Allahu Akbar
Allahu Akbar
Allahu Akbar
Wa lillahill hamd

God is the Greatest
God is the Greatest
God is the Greatest
There is no god but Allah

God is the Greatest
God is the Greatest
God is the Greatest
And to Allah belongs Praise

Saying this in the morning on the way to the Masjid is my favorite childhood memory of Eid. Although I despised it as a teenager (anything we did as a fam for a while was worthy of being despised in the eyes of a teen), I now miss reciting it with my dad if we take more than one car...but I keep the tradition alive in my car (despite the complaints of my teenaged brothers :) ....

*happy dance*

I don't want to see your heart breaking

“Don’t turn around
I don’t want ya to see my heart breaking
Don’t turn around
I don’t want ya seeing me cry
Just walk away
…followed by words I don’t remember…
I’m letting you go
…and I don’t remember these either…”

Great old song…I don’t know what it’s called (possibly “Don’t turn around”) or who it’s by (some chick singing if I remember correctly), but it just came to me outta the blue. Well, it’s kind of related to something I wanted to write though. It’s a theory I’m putting out there (from my head to my blog at which point it will then be reinforced into my brain for further regurgitation).

One cannot love or like strongly and so quickly change their position without remorse and regret. And above all, one will eventually develop deep hope and strong inclination towards reconciliation. I have made this my theory on life and plan to study it in the actions of others. In my own situations I find this true whether it is something trivial or otherwise. I wonder if I am a rarity (more like my dorky self is weird) in this position or my idea is the norm.

I have other theories: high self-esteem and self-assurance is the most attractive thing a woman can possess and demonstrate; the more enthusiastic a leader is about a situation, the more receptive his/her audience/target will be (this works for teachers and students and has proven true in my cases); fat and happy is a much better philosophy than thin and mean (ummm….that’s how I chose to live anyway J). I know there are many other theories floating around in my head, but they are there for a rainy day here in the wonderful world of blog. And even my here writ theories are so contingent on everyday life and the world at large that each one could very easily take up an individual blog entry. But alas, I am called to the world of hectic-last-minute-cooking in the kitchen where my lovely stepmom is patiently awaiting my assistance in the preparation of Eid goodies. And so I am off my fair blog…but fear not for I shall return…

Now that I look that over, I went from weird, to serious (in a weird way), to weirder (in a seriously weird way). I wonder why? I really wanted to be serious! But how can one be serious? It’s Eid!

More than an individual...but what?

The other night was probably the worst night I have had in my life. All things I assume to be true are none other than deception. Why bother with all that trouble?

If something should go awry, I don’t want to know. Alhamdulillah, I take initiative. Alhamdulillah, I can take control and manage a problem. But, subhanAllah, with such control and knowledge comes much responsibility. I don’t wish for it anymore…I don’t seek it anymore…Simply walk in the other direction should something occur. Ignorance is bliss so they say. And indeed in those words lies the truth of the matter: to know is to act. But how does one act? How should I handle the situation?

Everything is questioned. He has made me question my own mental ability, my senses, my being. I feel guilty when I have done nothing wrong…I feel guilty for having caught the one red-handed who feels no obvious guilt. But I did nothing wrong…maybe my handling of the situation is my fault…maybe this is my downfall…but I did nothing wrong…

I don’t want to know…I would rather not have the knowledge of corruption…For to know means to understand it. And if I must understand it, I must correct it by every means available. And to do so takes so much power and courage. And to do so, one must acknowledge that Allah has given him/her that ability…and I fear that to do so leads to arrogance. I fear I am already among those lost in the uppity world of arrogance. I fear.

Do not come to me with the problem. I have my own. And for you to bring me more only makes it harder. I must stay busy…I do more than I can just to stay busy so as not to think it through. But I cannot sleep for fear of arrogance or guilt of innocence. I cannot rest my eyes for hope penetrates not the dark shadows of my mind nor the dark spots upon my heart.

And so my secret lies within me…it is not my secret really, but rather the dark secret of someone else who I know wishes I did not. But with this secret deep inside me, this restless demon, comes fear and pain. Fear for myself and my own shortcomings. Pain as a result of the knowledge of the shortcomings and failed tests of others.

And now the tears fall…now when I wish to remain a fortress, I cry. I drove by myself, I cried. I talked to someone, I cried as I turned my face elsewhere. I looked at myself in the mirror, I cried. And now I type the words that haunt me, and I cry not. Now that I wish to tear down all walls of false strength, I cry not. I have become someone else…I am no longer me.

I need to tell this to someone. But I would tell it to no one. There are those closest to me that I could tell, but no one I would hate enough upon whom I would share my burden. I know of only one who I would even consider telling, but I cannot call that person. I know of only one who would listen though unable to console, but I cannot speak these words. I fear what I write because it no longer follows one thread of thought…but neither does my mind. I hate…and I fear this hatred. I hate this knowledge that I have of late….I now know what it means to be an individual.
I have no one to stand by my side. No one to lean upon in times of need. No one can answer for my actions. No one will come to my aid. No soul shall seek my reward and none shall beg for my punishment. To be an individual, I only must do what is right for me. To be an individual, I must acknowledge that others think not as I do. To be an individual, I must stand alone and lonely.

I wish to be more than just an individual.

The other night was probably the worst night of my life. But tonight proves to be a night of unrestrained reflection. My problem does not diminish by these thoughts but the murky waters of my mind have temporarily become an area where a glimpse of the soil below becomes momentarily clear. The soul within has become momentarily clear.

Eid Thinking...Thinking Eid...

The following is an email I sent to the youth group this past week as a reminder of an activity (that part has been kindly removed). But the thoughts I shared with them are relevant here as they are a part of my thoughts and the inner-dorky-workings of my mind. :)

Asalam Alaikum!

Insha'Allah everyone is now enjoying the last ten days of Ramadan. I pray that Allah accept our fast and make us among those who follow the straight path and are granted Jannah! Ameen.

"So have you bought new Eid clothes yet?"

"Ohmigosh, I found the most perfect
outfit at the mall yesterday!"

"I can't believe you are gonna wear a skirt!
You of all the sisters in the world!"

"Yeah, it's blue and has light blue stripes..."

"The shoes are the best part..."

"You should see my scarf!"

OH MY ALLAH!
I haven't even started shopping!
Is Ramadan really almost over!
*begins to panic as Eid prayer starts*

These are just a handful of the conversations I've been hearing the last week. Actually, some of them I've heard since Ramadan started. And okay, one is kinda fictionalized...they were saying that the pants were the best part :). All this talk of Eid clothes is just a sign of the winding down of this holy month of Ramadan. This makes me both sad and excited. It is sad to see the time of reflection and self-rennovation that is Ramadan swiftly pass us by. It is exciting to stand by my brothers and sisters for Eid prayer. It is sad to know that our Masjid will not be packed wall to wall with the faithful as it is in Ramadan. It is exciting to hear that early morning Eid chant begin. It is sad to realize another Ramadan has gone by. It is exciting to seek the love and forgiveness of Allah in the months to come.

On a brighter note: I hope you have all found your new Eid outfits by now...if not, happy hectic last-six-days of tiresome shopping! :)

Salams!

P.S. I also want to remind you all that while we are able to enjoy such blessings as a great iftar with foods of all sorts, new clothes, and gifts, we have brothers and sisters around the world who are suffering and can only dream of such things as ours. Please keep our brothers and sisters in your dua. And if you recieve the blessing of money this Eid, do not hesitate to give at least a part to those who need everthing we can give them. There are donation boxes at the Masjid for our brothers and sisters in Pakistan. If you can, donate. At the very least make dua.

May Allah make it easy for those who face any hardship this Eid. May Allah help them and protect them. May Allah make this ummah rise to the call of duty and come to the aide of our brothers and sisters in Islam as well as our brothers and sisters in humanity. Ameen.

Isn't life grand? *hug*

A friend of mine read my blog today. But she couldn't post a comment so she sent it to me through other means...I just had to post it since it made my day! *hug* *group hug* *floats outta the room

Asalam Alakum!
Okay so I thought it would be a really cool thing to do to write you a nice encouraging letter. If I had a blog thingy I would leave you a comment because it seems like no one ever comments you. I really enjoyed reading through all of your old posts as well as your new ones. It was completely wonderful getting the opportunity to see things through your eyes. Ive always wondered what it would be like inside that head of yours. (I am not being sarcastic) I look up to you sooooo much. You are with any doubt in my body my older sister. You are there for me when I need advice, a shoulder to cry on, to laugh with, girl talk (which I happen to do a lot of), and moral support. Alhamdulilah I have found someone that I can rely on like you. You are a truly remarkable person. You have forever changed my life for the better. You have made me become a better muslim. Which is something that is priceless… and that is the true gift that keeps on giving. Ah, I really do not know how to thank you for all that you have done for me except to say… that you will be and always have been in my duah. May Allah grant you Jinnah. May Allah bless you to live a life of happiness and health. May Allah grant your family and all of your friends Jinnah and too also live a life of happiness and health. Ammen. I wish only the best of things for you and your family. You are someone who deserves every good thing that you have. I again thank you for your never ending support and love. In return I would like to offer you the same. (well yeah I kinda think you already knew that but… oh well) Anyways, I love you and thank you sooo much. (gosh I hope that didn’t sound to sappy and cheesy… forgive me if it does… you know Im a dork)

Your favorite lil sis,
xoxoxooxoxoxoxoxoxoxooxoxoxoxoxooxoxoxoxoxxo

In the words of a sarcastic fellow teacher: "Oh my Allah!"

Why does such a bright young girl need to wear SO much mascara and eyeliner to the Masjid??? It's appalling. She is beautiful and doesn't need the make-up to prove it. I think I will give her a lesson in subtlty....yes, tonight we shall talk...

Do I stay logged on the messenger for a reason I don't want to admit? Do I do it because I expect the unexpected?

Why does my cell not work anymore? Why does it tell me to 'insert card' when the card is already inside???

When will I grow up?

Where is the end of the rainbow? What rainbow? Where is the rainbow? Why don't I see a rainbow? Ohmigosh....it's perfect weather outside!

Why am I inside writing this?

Where is the playground?

Why am I writing all of this? Am I tried of students asking questions? Is this a way for me to vent after being asked millions of unnecessary questions (and about the same number of important questions) today alone?

'Tis a possibility...

Will today be the day?
Will I finally release myself of the burden
of tears in the back of my eyes
of fears in the back of my mind?
Will I finally let go of the bitterness
I so painstakingly try to hide?

Will today be the day?
Will I finally feel the joy
of true release
of a worry-free day?
Will I finally feel refreshed after
a night of calm reflection
and thanks a million times?

Today shall not be.
My tears will not come.
My fears remain.
Bitter, no. Sorry, maybe. Afraid, completely.

When shall I be able to cry...out of fear...out of happiness..out of devotion...out of sincerity...
There are those who cry in prayer...why can I not be of them?
There are those who cry in misery at the misfortune of brothers...why can I not be of them?
There are those who cry tears of joy...why can I not be of them?

I do believe...I do fear...I do hope...I do pray...

Oh Allah accept from me my prayers and fast! Oh Allah please give me that which will make me a better Muslimah...

Oh reader, forgive me my rants...

What a deal!

Allah has promised us salvation in the Quran. He has made things super easy.---That's what I was teaching my Islam class today. The lesson was an intro to the 5 pillars of Islam...we just began talking about the meaning of "Islam" as a way of life, deen, and the definition of ibada--worshipping Allah in all that you do... I gave them four ayahs from Surat al-Saf (61: 10-13) that talks about our 'deal' with Allah, the ultimate deal He has offered:

يَا أَيُّهَا الَّذِينَ آَمَنُوا هَلْ أَدُلُّكُمْ عَلَى تِجَارَةٍ تُنجِيكُم مِّنْ عَذَابٍ أَلِيمٍ

O ye who believe! Shall I lead you to a bargain that will save you from a grievous Penalty?-

تُؤْمِنُونَ بِاللَّهِ وَرَسُولِهِ وَتُجَاهِدُونَ فِي سَبِيلِ اللَّهِ بِأَمْوَالِكُمْ وَأَنفُسِكُمْ ذَلِكُمْ خَيْرٌ لَّكُمْ إِن كُنتُمْ تَعْلَمُونَ

That ye believe in Allah and His Messenger, and that ye strive (your utmost) in the Cause of Allah, with your property and your persons: That will be best for you, if ye but knew!

يَغْفِرْ لَكُمْ ذُنُوبَكُمْ وَيُدْخِلْكُمْ جَنَّاتٍ تَجْرِي مِن تَحْتِهَا الْأَنْهَارُ وَمَسَاكِنَ طَيِّبَةً فِي جَنَّاتِ عَدْنٍ ذَلِكَ الْفَوْزُ الْعَظِيم

He will forgive you your sins, and admit you to Gardens beneath which Rivers flow, and to beautiful mansions in Gardens of Eternity: that is indeed the Supreme Achievement. ُ

وَأُخْرَى تُحِبُّونَهَا نَصْرٌ مِّنَ اللَّهِ وَفَتْحٌ قَرِيبٌ وَبَشِّرِ الْمُؤْمِنِينَ

And another (favour will He bestow,) which ye do love,- help from Allah and a speedy victory. So give the Glad Tidings to the Believers.

I was really into my lesson today...I was so inspired and felt like I was listening to myself while I was talking. The best part doesn't come until after school today.

I was sitting in my classrom when one of my students comes in:

Hey Teacher, are you busy?

No, not really. (I say this as I mark my place in the Quran and look up with a smile.) What's up?

So you know how you were, like, talking about those Ayahs in class today? (As his English teacher, I am trying VERY hard to break him of saying 'like' when it's not needed...well, I just ignored it now...I had a feeling he had something important to say.)

Yeah. The ayah about Allah's promise?

Yeah...well, I had a question...but it seems I've like forgotten it. But I know it was very important.

Let's see if you remember...The Ayahs were about how Allah promises that if we believe in Him and His Messenger and do our best that He will not only save us from Hell-fire, but He will grant us a place in....

Oh yeah, I remember now. That deal is like a business, right? I mean, it's like a business is offered a deal that will make it NEVER go bankrupt! Right?

Not only that, they are also promised that their business will become a multi-million dollar corporation!

Yeah, that's easy...It's like having an EASY button

Yes...it's an easy button...and I wish for the multi-million dollar corporation that is Jannah!

Oh what joy it is to hear the truth from the mouths of babes!

Thank you Allah for giving me the opportunity to learn and grow...even at the hands of children!

:)

Backbiting

Just ran across this website...kinda cool. Be warned that there are a few words that I would rather have not read, but the overall article is great. I laughed outloud. I may have to present a kosher version to the youth someday...
http://www.maniacmuslim.com/Biting_Back_Hurts.html?PHPSESSID=382d9da23cf6f88324d90cdbe78a6519

If you're happy and you know it...

Well....I'm happy...YAY!!! Okay, nothing all that great happened...just had a good conversation with a sis...got good news via email (twice in one night mind you!)...and read lots of good things on the net... Now if only I can~~~forget it!~~~why ruin the moment...

If you're happy and you know it...ALLAHUAKBAR!
If you're happy and you know it...ALHAMDULILLAH!
If you're happy and you know it...then you faith shall surely show it.
If you're happy and you know it...ALLAHUAKBAR!

Dorkiness rules! :)

Blah...blah...blah...

I feel so...blah...
NEVER YOU MIND....

Today, some of the girls came up to me at the Masjid.

"Hey Kamlah, we spent five hours filming our movie today!"
And they would have spent about that much time explaining thier movie to me! :) See the youth group (whatever that really means) is sponsoring a movie competition entitled "The Best of Ramadan." There really aren't any specifications...the kids just have to be creative. I'm dorky, so I have encouraged dorky movies. :)

Well, the girls made a movie called "Iftar Iron Chef"...a mimic of some show on the food network... they are super excited! Now that is what I wanted! Alhamdulillah.

I think I will make my own movies even though I can't win the prize...speaking of which, I better find out how much $$$ we can afford to give... Oh the never ending life of the dorky sister Kamlah... haha :)

Feeling much better now.... I should write random things more often.

Sorry

I am truly sorry for many things. This from someone who tries to make it my policy not to be sorry for my actions...It's one thing to do something that hurts a fellow Muslim and apologize (I pray I do it often enough) but it is something completely different to make a decision that affects someone else only to find you wished you had not made that decision. I don't want to live my life always saying 'what if.' Allah tests us along the way every day, and insha'Allah we are able to pass that test. I would not change my decision because had I the chance to live it over, I would have made the same mistake to learn the lesson I needed to learn. I only pray that those I affect with my decisions can forgive me for being rash or unclear. I hurt myself more than you know. I wonder if this can ever be fixed....

... I need a hug... I actually dreamed of getting a hug last night...I need a hug...

Too much

My last post did not make that much sense... Maybe in a weird way it did. But overall it did not. My jabbering may cause pain and trouble. But why oppress my feelings? ... I promise I say more than I do. May Allah forgive me. May you all forgive me...

Okay, I must add some normal dorkiness to my blog. Here goes:

So I wrote an email to the girls in my youth group. It was a very serious email (I truly apologized for the lack of dorkiness in my usually dorky youth group mailings). To make life brighter (read: dorkier), I decided to end it with a joke. Funny thing though. One of the girls already emailed me back to say she was gonna participate in some of the events but that she didn't get the joke. Let's see if it is lost on you too.

Three brothers walked into a bar (astaghfirAllah). Their sister ducked (and then proceeded to laugh and point at the boys).

HAHAHA...ahhhhh, the dorky old jokes of yesteryear!
;)

What should I title this? I haven't even written it yet...

I don't feel so well. I am not myself. I have problems....many problems...okay, I lie. Alhamdulillah I do not have major problems (some people would disagree), but I am really not feeling like myself.

I am not sure what I want in life...well, maybe I do...no, I don't think I do. I have dreams, yes (not just the whacko dreams discussed before, but ideas of what I want my life to be like in the future). But I don't really know what i want.

And so I sit here in my room in the middle of the night and I type...reminds me of better days when I used to do the same with better results, happier results...
I really wish to cry...I need to cry. But I cannot. Why should I cry? Alhamdulillah i have a roof over my head and food in my tummy. Why should i cry simply because I am not satisfied with...? Why should I cry simply because my head aches from the thoughts swarming in it? Am I not grateful for all that I have? I am. I am because I should be. I am because I will make myself be. But...

I thought I would be happy by now. I thought that everything would be clear by now. I wish we could all just say what we want to each other. Things will never be the same if we did, but things will never be the same even if we didn't. So why not take the risk? Why not just open up? Because it is hard. That is why! Because change scares us. Because we are proud and stubborn...? Or maybe because we think that if things stay the same it will be okay. That's the problem. Things never stay the same. We change: our bodies, our minds, our world. Nothing stays the same.

I loved....so I thought loved...
I liked... so oplenly I liked...
I cared...so deeply do I care...
I despised...so quickly did I forgive...
I desired...so quickly did I forget...
I cried...so soon do teardrops vanish...
I wished...so clearly do dreams change...
But I am confused...thoroughly confused...
I am confused about everything...but confident I seem...

Should I even write all of this? What if.... But no, I think it so I write it. No apologies.

Random

If you know me well enough, you know that I am a dreamer. I'm not talking about having dreams of one day running marathon (like I'd bother) or traveling through space (a Jupiter Jump is as good as it gets). I mean that I am an individual who has weird dreams that make you laugh out loud, cry profoundly, or just simply freak you out. I must warn you that I don't put much in store by my dreams. I don't think they mean something ALL the time. I do believe that they are generally the product of my imagination running wild.

WARNING: If you think it is wrong for me to share my dreams, do not read the rest of this. However, if you would like to have some silliness added to your day (and just so ya know, there might be a touch of drama), please read on (*hint* comments are most welcome *hint*):

Last night:

...So there I am, running in my backyard. I think I am training this giant horse for a competition of sorts. By giant, I mean I barely come up to the bottom of it's hoof. So here I am training something that is so big I can't really see the top (I can because it is my dream, but the me in my dream cannot). And I am training the giant horse ( I wonder what it's name is?) in my backyard which doesn't make sense seeing how my backyard is not big enough to train a giant horse (I doubt the horse could even fit in the yard). It doesn't matter though because my dreams don't have to (and they never do) make sense. Well at the end of my dream, the horse is mad at me and starts chasing me. I begin to run away but fall in the grass. I lie in the grass when the big shadow covers the earth around me. I begin to pray for my life knowing the horse is about to step on my head and all my insides (whatever little brain matter that is left) will come squishing out. And in my dream, I am lying on the grass seriously imagining how my head is gonna be squished like a grape. But when the horse steps on my head, nothing happens. It seems that the grass acted like padding and saved my head. All the pressure from the horse's hoof was applied to the area around me, but not on me. So I raise my head up and said "Alhamdulillah." And then I wake up.....

NOTE TO SELF: Do not watch "Clifford: The Big Red Dog" with my little sister anymore.

Night before last:

...I am at the Masjid and it is time for iftar. I have just added salt and pepper to my meal. I need to return the pepper container to the office in the Masjid (why the office, I'll never know). The problem is that I know that in one of the back rooms of the office someone is having a meeting with a musical nasheed group and their crew (yeah, they have a large crew) because they have just finished a show and have one more to do. So I return the pepper to the bookshelf (yeah, I put the pepper right next to the religious books) and hesitate for a second. I want to see the guy but at the same time I fear talking to him. But in the end he comes out and we start talking. Alhamdulillah, it was an okay conversation (I was nervous, I think), but the guy looked different than he usually does. Anyway, we start talking about a problem that occurred the evening before. It seems that one of my youth group members had fallen in love with one of the crew members (some young guy whose job it was to move equipment). She was in love with the kid and wanted to run away with him but her dad interrupted. The kid and the dad duke it out in front of the Masjid. And as we are talking, I note how the poor kid is not at the meeting. The guy tells me the poor kid ran away after the ordeal, but that he wasn't gonna go after the girl. And so we end our conversation (which keeps being interrupted by random people who just want to tell him and the crew 'hi') with a promise to keep our eyes open for any other challenges that might arise between crew members and youth group girls...

NOTE TO SELF: Do not chat with youth group girls on instant messenger late at night while listening to Nasheeds.

The two don't seem to mix. :)

I swear that I don't usually have many weird dreams right after each other. It usually just happens randomly. I only wrote about two that I've had recently, but in reality there have been a lot in the last two weeks. And these weird dreams are generally random and hilarious.

Take for example a few nights ago (the last one, I promise):

...I am at a wedding for an acquantaince of mine (I am not sure whose wedding, but it is one of two sisters that I know---and by the way, they are younger than me). It's a desi wedding, it's actually the mehndi before the wedding. So all the women are dressed up and the girls are dancing. I go to another room (I am wearing a cute outfit: Black pants and top with a black scarf but I am wearing a shawl draped over my shoulder---it kinda looks sari-style). Once I get into the other room I start breast feeding my child (I have a child??? That was fast :). I don't know if it was a boy or girl, but it was definitely my child. When I am about to go into the other room these two guys come up to me (yeah, it's the girls mehndi night, but the guys are never too far away). They want to take a picture with me because they say I look like Madonna (not the religious "Madonna with child" but the "Material girl" Madonna----me??? with a scarf on??? ME??? I don't even look a tad bit like her!). I protest, but they beg to be able to take a picture back to Pakistan with the look alike of Madonna (As I type this, I am laughing at the craziness!). Finally, I oblige. Just as the camera flashes the iqama is made so we go to pray. I have to put on a prayer skirt (I'm not sure why). After prayer, I am leaving the party with my brother (I don't know what happened to my baby, maybe he/she is in the backseat) but I have left my prayer skirt behind. I don't remember until we get pretty far away from the building. It seems that the party was in a small country town (we have quite a few in OK). So when we turn around to go back, a cop car starts trailing us. My brother then runs a red light and the police officer pulls us over and makes my brother get out of the car. I beg the police officer to let me go get my skirt with my brother's car while he 'deal' with him. So I leave my brother with the crazy small town cop (I think my brother is handcuffed) just so that I can get my skirt...

And that's how it ends...I don't even know where all of that came from...

Where's a Freudian interpretation expert when you need one? :)

Say Hello...

Better yet, say "Asalam Alaikum."

I sure would appreciate it if someone would comment on my blog.... *hint *hint... if you come across my blog... *hint *hint .... please, please say hello (or see the first line). I've commented on a few other blogs, so I'm sure that someone must have looked at my blog...

*puppy dog eyes* please, please, please comment...I need some encouragement..

:)

I love ALLAH!

Yeah, that's right: I love Allah! I really do...I am happy with everything. I am satisfied with all that He has given me. I am tested no doubt, but I remain strong and keep struggling. I love Allah!

I was just talking to a friend and she asked me if I am engaged. I was talking with a great guy for a while, but in the end it did not work out as we had planned. (I am fine alhamdulillah....and so is he.) I told her I am not and the first thing she says is "I'm sorry." There is no reason for anyone to be sorry. Alhamdulillah.

I am happy with everything. Allah has a plan. He tests us. But in the end He loves us. And I know that what Allah has planned for us all is only the best. I tried to tell her that it was okay. That in the end it is what Allah had planned. I am not sour...neither is the brother. We realize that what we wanted did not come to pass and that it was for the best. Alhamdulillah.

Let's be reasonable. My only hope is that others can learn from my lessons...that others will learn to take things as they come and not feel bad when things don't work out.

Okay enough rambling.....

I love Allah. That's enough for me...

Buttons

Why is it that whenever you buy a new jacket the buttons are always sewn on poorly? I swear that no matter how much I pay for it (okay, I admit that sometimes it is very little----hey, I'm a conscientious clearance shopper), the jacket's buttons (at least one) falls off on the first day I wear it? Could it be that I play with the buttons absentmindedly, thus unthreading it? Could it be that someone at the factory is skimping on the amount of threading that goes into sewing a button? Could it be that I happen to pick the jackets that have been returned after someone messes with the button---"The Button Bad Buy?" Or could it be that all jackets were created equal---by bad button sewers---and my dilemma is nothing short of commonly faced jacket problems?

It just makes me mad....okay, not really. I am actually kind of happy today... Actually, I am smiling right now (despite the missing button on my new jacket). In reality, I feel so much better after writing that I just wanna hug someone....but I can't cause I've got to sew on a button.......

Ramadan

Today we begin our fast of the holy month of Ramadan. And for the last two years or so, I have not really 'felt' the month as it has come and gone. I used to be filled with happiness and joy....but I have had to feign such feelings the last two years. Not because I needed to show others that I felt such, but because I truly desired to 'feel' Ramadan.

Alhamdulillah, I can truly say I feel RAMADAN....and it was because of the actions of my students...

This morning as I walked into the building was bombarded with kisses and hugs from the sisters who work with me. I began smiling.... Students walked up to me with smiles on their faces and wished me "Ramadan Mubarak"......... I continued smiling..... Students in younger grades that I don't teach approached me with hugs and "Happy Ramadan"...... I was practically beaming as I smiled back at their sincere faces...... Former students now in high school blessed me with "Kul Sana wa inti bekhair" ("May you be blessed every year") and the young sisters even shook my hand and kissed me with delight at this holy month..... I have been smiling ever since.....

Alhamdulillah, I feel Ramadan. And insha'Allah, because of my smiles and my greetings I have made someone else's month better.

Moon Sighting

We often forget our blessings. We lose sight of how things work by His Grace. Miracles surround us everyday and yet we lose sight of how blessed we are to even witness a handful. Last night we turned our faces towards the sky in sweet anticipation. We held our breaths and watched the twinkling of stars and searched the sky for signs of another overlooked miracle. The fact that we looked, in itself, almost seems to BE the miracle.

I was speaking with a friend of mine over the phone late last night as we anxiously awaited the news of Ramadan (which in turn became the lack of news). She was voicing some frustration at the apparant lack of unity in the Muslim Ummah. "If we have such wonderful technology available, why can't we all KNOW when Ramadan IS and everyone, everywhere follow?" she asked. And so we began to explore that question (for that is the true blessing of having a great friendship: the ability to explore and speak freely and openly without fear of reprimand or hate). We could all follow ONE moon sighting. All Muslims in the world could go by any one country's sighting. We would not have to worry about the 'fighting' that happens in our Masjids nor the awkwardness of fasting a day before/after our brothers and sisters in another city/state/country.

"But that's not the point," I try to explain. For it is in this moment of frustration that I have an epiphany. It is not that we cannot have Ramadan together that frustrates us. It is the lack of love and sincere unity that frustrates us. And it is not because we do not fast on the same day that makes us lack unity, it is the feeling that we belong that is lacking. It is time for us to take control of our Ummah, for it is indeed ours. It is time that we take ownership for OUR actions as an Ummah. Once we do, it won't matter when we fast or what day we celebrate Eid. For then, and only then, will our actions matter and everything we do for our Muslim brothers and sisters be satisfying.

I have begun to think that Allah (SWT) has given us Ramadan for many reasons. And the miracle of our creation comes to mind. We have time to reflect on the greatness of the universe and the Great Creator. Reflection is a great thing. To look up at the stars and the moon and reflect on our lives. To know that God impacts our lives no matter how often we try to overlook Him. It seems that only on the night before Ramadan and the night before Eid do we really begin to reflect....

My thoughts can go on forever. And I feel that what I really wanted to say, I could not do successfully. But I have attempted to record this feeling. My reflections on the topic cannot be viewed as failure however. For to reflect is to gain success.....

Allah says in the Holy Quran that fasting was prescribed upon us so that we may gain Taqwa.


.......maybe in reflection there is taqwa.......