I don't feel so well. I am not myself. I have problems....many problems...okay, I lie. Alhamdulillah I do not have major problems (some people would disagree), but I am really not feeling like myself.
I am not sure what I want in life...well, maybe I do...no, I don't think I do. I have dreams, yes (not just the whacko dreams discussed before, but ideas of what I want my life to be like in the future). But I don't really know what i want.
And so I sit here in my room in the middle of the night and I type...reminds me of better days when I used to do the same with better results, happier results...
I really wish to cry...I need to cry. But I cannot. Why should I cry? Alhamdulillah i have a roof over my head and food in my tummy. Why should i cry simply because I am not satisfied with...? Why should I cry simply because my head aches from the thoughts swarming in it? Am I not grateful for all that I have? I am. I am because I should be. I am because I will make myself be. But...
I thought I would be happy by now. I thought that everything would be clear by now. I wish we could all just say what we want to each other. Things will never be the same if we did, but things will never be the same even if we didn't. So why not take the risk? Why not just open up? Because it is hard. That is why! Because change scares us. Because we are proud and stubborn...? Or maybe because we think that if things stay the same it will be okay. That's the problem. Things never stay the same. We change: our bodies, our minds, our world. Nothing stays the same.
I loved....so I thought loved...
I liked... so oplenly I liked...
I cared...so deeply do I care...
I despised...so quickly did I forgive...
I desired...so quickly did I forget...
I cried...so soon do teardrops vanish...
I wished...so clearly do dreams change...
But I am confused...thoroughly confused...
I am confused about everything...but confident I seem...
Should I even write all of this? What if.... But no, I think it so I write it. No apologies.
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