More than an individual...but what?

The other night was probably the worst night I have had in my life. All things I assume to be true are none other than deception. Why bother with all that trouble?

If something should go awry, I don’t want to know. Alhamdulillah, I take initiative. Alhamdulillah, I can take control and manage a problem. But, subhanAllah, with such control and knowledge comes much responsibility. I don’t wish for it anymore…I don’t seek it anymore…Simply walk in the other direction should something occur. Ignorance is bliss so they say. And indeed in those words lies the truth of the matter: to know is to act. But how does one act? How should I handle the situation?

Everything is questioned. He has made me question my own mental ability, my senses, my being. I feel guilty when I have done nothing wrong…I feel guilty for having caught the one red-handed who feels no obvious guilt. But I did nothing wrong…maybe my handling of the situation is my fault…maybe this is my downfall…but I did nothing wrong…

I don’t want to know…I would rather not have the knowledge of corruption…For to know means to understand it. And if I must understand it, I must correct it by every means available. And to do so takes so much power and courage. And to do so, one must acknowledge that Allah has given him/her that ability…and I fear that to do so leads to arrogance. I fear I am already among those lost in the uppity world of arrogance. I fear.

Do not come to me with the problem. I have my own. And for you to bring me more only makes it harder. I must stay busy…I do more than I can just to stay busy so as not to think it through. But I cannot sleep for fear of arrogance or guilt of innocence. I cannot rest my eyes for hope penetrates not the dark shadows of my mind nor the dark spots upon my heart.

And so my secret lies within me…it is not my secret really, but rather the dark secret of someone else who I know wishes I did not. But with this secret deep inside me, this restless demon, comes fear and pain. Fear for myself and my own shortcomings. Pain as a result of the knowledge of the shortcomings and failed tests of others.

And now the tears fall…now when I wish to remain a fortress, I cry. I drove by myself, I cried. I talked to someone, I cried as I turned my face elsewhere. I looked at myself in the mirror, I cried. And now I type the words that haunt me, and I cry not. Now that I wish to tear down all walls of false strength, I cry not. I have become someone else…I am no longer me.

I need to tell this to someone. But I would tell it to no one. There are those closest to me that I could tell, but no one I would hate enough upon whom I would share my burden. I know of only one who I would even consider telling, but I cannot call that person. I know of only one who would listen though unable to console, but I cannot speak these words. I fear what I write because it no longer follows one thread of thought…but neither does my mind. I hate…and I fear this hatred. I hate this knowledge that I have of late….I now know what it means to be an individual.
I have no one to stand by my side. No one to lean upon in times of need. No one can answer for my actions. No one will come to my aid. No soul shall seek my reward and none shall beg for my punishment. To be an individual, I only must do what is right for me. To be an individual, I must acknowledge that others think not as I do. To be an individual, I must stand alone and lonely.

I wish to be more than just an individual.

The other night was probably the worst night of my life. But tonight proves to be a night of unrestrained reflection. My problem does not diminish by these thoughts but the murky waters of my mind have temporarily become an area where a glimpse of the soil below becomes momentarily clear. The soul within has become momentarily clear.