Monday, October 12, 2009

It is already tomorrow.

#1: Always think of possible titles first. Stupid Girl and the Great Pretender

#2: Always think of the sounds.
The music that generally plays in my head is clown music. Think circus on steroids. But I’m anything but clown music or tiny dogs and giant cats. I am a bit more complex. I have such thoughts that drown out the madness and clear away reality.

#3: Explain who you are. I am the girl who sits in the car because it is too cold and stands in the rain because I will not melt and gazes at the river because it is constantly moving. I am the girl who watched the ferris wheel turn, counted her money, hid her purse, and then just drove away. One tear remaining in the corner of her left eye, I am the girl who helps and needs none but one. I am, indeed, the girl who can’t stand it anymore.

#4: Set goals in life. That’s it. I must decide what to do. I absolutely cannot wait helplessly or search aimlessly. Today, I was silent. I had all the thoughts in my head that I really wanted to share and write for the world to read, but I lost them all in the darkness. Sometimes when I write, all I can write are the circles that sound so good as I type them on the electric keyboard. All I really want to write, I cannot because they are too dangerous to be said aloud.

#5: Make it up as you go. I am, I think, happy most of the time. But how can I feel anything but sadness when I am left out? Do I blame them? Can I? Maybe I am always Debby-Downer when I thought I was Susie-Sunshine. Maybe all I do is complain. Maybe what I think I am, I am not. Maybe I am simply forgettable. I try to do to other what I would want done to me, but maybe I do not. THINK. Maybe when I thought I was being nice, I was just being selfish. Was I? It’s a rhetorical question. I don’t know. I know I have been left out.

#6: Shut up, you oxymoron. I am lonely standing here with all my friends. And she is leaving me behind. They all are. Do I have to search within the last generation to find a new one? Can’t do that. Maybe number two will seal the deal.

#7: Skip it, why don't ya? So what am I waiting for? I always used to have a back-up. There is not one now. Now there is despair. Not really despair, but sadness. Hollowness. Disgust. I look pretty yesterday. I was happy now. I spoke tomorrow.

#8: Think of shapes and all will be well. Circumlocution can be my best friend. But even in circles, I speak the truth. Even if you can’t understand.

#9: No harm in entertainment. I live vicariously through movies. I broke up with books ever since sea monsters came into vision.

#10: Reflect. My head hurts and I go to pray now. Be back momentarily.

#11: Never neglect to talk in your head. I just prayed for you. Not you reading, but the you I will have read this one day. I am not so desolate as to think there will not be a you, but I am not so pompous as to think that you are certain. Maybe in order to find you, I must figure out exactly who you are. But that is harder than figuring out what you are not. Let’s start there.

#12: Define others. You are not the one who chooses to be unsocial when I want to go out. You are not the guy who will not make friends. You are not the guy who can’t be polite to my friends. You are not the guy who finds religion only on the holidays. You are not the one who runs away or stays locked up. You are not the one who screams and curses. You are not the one who settles. You are not the one who forgets your family. You are not like those who give not. You are not the selfish guy or the greedy guy or the scared guy. You are not the one who belittles. You are not too proud and not too soft.

#13: What are we talking about again? So who are you exactly. I type now with my eyes closed. I am not trying to forget where I am or who I am. I am just trying to rid myself of the external factors of the room of this world. Who are you? You are proud of religion and family. You strive for excellence in faith and heart. Is language important anymore? Is race? Is my red-headed, blue-eyed reincarnation of my mother important anymore? Is education? Yes, education is most important.

#14: So what's with the number system? And where am I headed? Will I really leave? I am having a mid-mid-life crisis. I think it is likely. Absurd, but likely.

#15: It's true. Flaws aplenty: I check my email obsessively. I make up songs spur of the moment. I cannot sing worth a dime. My face feels dry right now (where’s my stinking lotion?). My shirts are sometimes to short and my pants are sometimes not loose enough. I have wanted it rainy when other will sunshine. I have laughed aloud.

#16: I think, therefore I write gibberish. But I will be going back. Maybe more pictures to become wallpaper. Maybe more deer to scare the living daylights out of me. Maybe sunrise and sunset and midday glory. Maybe better friends and happier moments. Maybe nothing but a vacation. Even that makes me smile.

#17: For real this time. Spend ten minutes everyday to call someone you haven’t talked to in a while. Write a letter to someone who will appreciate it (stripes most definitely included).

#18: That's it? I have no car stereo and only one working ear bud. Life is sometimes too good.