Saturday, August 11, 2007

How are you?

There is a big hole in my being. I can't fill it. I can't ignore it.

There is a smaller gap in my existence. It can be filled. It has to be ignored.

Void. Cold. Bare.

Scared. Alone. Weak.

Fake. Empty. Blank.

Stronger than you think; Weaker than I believe.

Deperate. Sad. Open.

"I'm fine, alhamdulillah."

It is scary to be so frank. It is good to have a venue to be so real. It is unbelievably relieving to just write the words though I can never say them aloud. This is only one way I exist, this blog. This is the way that I am able to exist in real life. Here I don't have to pretend. Here I don't have to be anything. Here I just am. Though this is not the complete ME.


It's like the wind was knocked out of me.


I could hardly breath. I didn't know whether to smile or resume my normal stance. Should I smile, reply? Should I let him hug me though I am so angry I could spit in his face? Should I look him in the eye and tell him how I feel now?


Instead, when he gave me that have hug with his hand on my side, I could barely look at him. I was there in a crowd of people and I barely looked at him. I let him hug me. I let him say salams to me. I gave him a brownie and then let him walk away from me.

I stood there talking to people, selling the rest of the cookies and brownies and pizza. I talked to people casually. But my mind was with him. He shook the ground beneath me. His presence sent me somewhere else. The tears nearly gave it all away. But I can't be so clear in front of so many. Instead, I just stood there and let the world pass by as I gasped for breath.

My brother broke my heart, my trust, my love. However, I'm the one suffering.

I let him walk away. AGAIN.

Thursday, August 02, 2007

As the world turns...

The beginning:

I quit my job. I turned around and walked out of the door, forward to new thresholds, new experiences. I decided to move on. Bitter I don't want to be. Clear hatred I never to emit. Despise I never want to do. So I had to leave. Sometimes you have to leave in order to move forward. I felt that I had to walk away in order to ever walk back in. I haven't left them in the dust. I haven't left them alone. But they just won't see me everyday. Maybe it's a good thing. Last year was the worst year I've ever had. This is my year of hasn't really stopped yet, though I'm momentarily happy. Alhamdulillah for everything.


On the bus with fifty kids on the way to our summer school field trip, my phone rang, I didn't recognize the number so I thought it was a parent. It wasn't: Union HS, interview, Monday morning.
Thirty minutes later I recieved a second phone call: Broken Arrow offered me a job teaching junior and senior ELL (English language learners) English classes. I didn't really want this job. At the second interview, the lady (principal maybe?) answered all the questions for me. Yeah, super annoying! I kept checking my watch wondering if I could just let her finish the interview for me! :) I tentatively accepted, feeling deceptive all the while.


Interview went well. After spending an entire weekend with about sixty girls at the Masjid in OKC, I was finally asleep in my own bed. How comfy it was, I almost didn't get up. I rolled out of bed, put any decent thing I could find on and went on to my interview thinking that I didn't care whether or not I got it; sleep deprivation will do that to ya. I made dua anyway.

The interview was awesome, alhamdulillah. I liked the panel that interviewed me. I was at ease (well, I generally am, confidence is not usually lacking). I spoke with passion (I almost can't help it when I talk about teaching). I was honest. I told them BA waited for my response. I asked to be told one way or the other ASAP. With many interviews later that day, they'd probably call early in the morning.

Two hours later I landed the job. Alhamdulillah.


Peace will always be in my heart, on my mind, and part of my being. I have yet to give it up completely. Everything I can supply from my new post, I shall.

Meanwhile, my education must grow. My experiences must blossom. I must become better at being everything I want. It's all in my grasp now, insha'Allah. I just have to take it all. I am excited. I am deeply saddened. I can't explain it all. Too many things all at once have successfully weighed me down. Alhamdulillah for a job at least. Now I can go to school (THEY PAY $75 A SEMESTER HOUR!!!!!!! :) and finish everything I want, insha'Allah.


I have a plan. I'm putting it into action. I can't explain now. I will. Just better when somethings have already been accomplished insha'Allah.

Alhamdulillah. Alhamdulillah. Alhamdulillah!

REALITY CHECK: I am happy to have a job. I HAVE A JOB!!! ALHAMDULILLAH :)