Why are they playing Christmas music in the halls?

Last I checked, I was teaching at a freakin' PUBLIC school!

Just call me Scrooge...

It is already tomorrow.

#1: Always think of possible titles first. Stupid Girl and the Great Pretender

#2: Always think of the sounds. The music that generally plays in my head is clown music. Think circus on steroids. But I’m anything but clown music or tiny dogs and giant cats. I am a bit more complex. I have such thoughts that drown out the madness and clear away reality.

#3: Explain who you are. I am the girl who sits in the car because it is too cold and stands in the rain because I will not melt and gazes at the river because it is constantly moving. I am the girl who watched the ferris wheel turn, counted her money, hid her purse, and then just drove away. One tear remaining in the corner of her left eye, I am the girl who helps and needs none but one. I am, indeed, the girl who can’t stand it anymore.

#4: Set goals in life. That’s it. I must decide what to do. I absolutely cannot wait helplessly or search aimlessly. Today, I was silent. I had all the thoughts in my head that I really wanted to share and write for the world to read, but I lost them all in the darkness. Sometimes when I write, all I can write are the circles that sound so good as I type them on the electric keyboard. All I really want to write, I cannot because they are too dangerous to be said aloud.

#5: Make it up as you go. I am, I think, happy most of the time. But how can I feel anything but sadness when I am left out? Do I blame them? Can I? Maybe I am always Debby-Downer when I thought I was Susie-Sunshine. Maybe all I do is complain. Maybe what I think I am, I am not. Maybe I am simply forgettable. I try to do to other what I would want done to me, but maybe I do not. THINK. Maybe when I thought I was being nice, I was just being selfish. Was I? It’s a rhetorical question. I don’t know. I know I have been left out.

#6: Shut up, you oxymoron. I am lonely standing here with all my friends. And she is leaving me behind. They all are. Do I have to search within the last generation to find a new one? Can’t do that. Maybe number two will seal the deal.

#7: Skip it, why don't ya? So what am I waiting for? I always used to have a back-up. There is not one now. Now there is despair. Not really despair, but sadness. Hollowness. Disgust. I look pretty yesterday. I was happy now. I spoke tomorrow.

#8: Think of shapes and all will be well. Circumlocution can be my best friend. But even in circles, I speak the truth. Even if you can’t understand.

#9: No harm in entertainment. I live vicariously through movies. I broke up with books ever since sea monsters came into vision.

#10: Reflect. My head hurts and I go to pray now. Be back momentarily.

#11: Never neglect to talk in your head. I just prayed for you. Not you reading, but the you I will have read this one day. I am not so desolate as to think there will not be a you, but I am not so pompous as to think that you are certain. Maybe in order to find you, I must figure out exactly who you are. But that is harder than figuring out what you are not. Let’s start there.

#12: Define others. You are not the one who chooses to be unsocial when I want to go out. You are not the guy who will not make friends. You are not the guy who can’t be polite to my friends. You are not the guy who finds religion only on the holidays. You are not the one who runs away or stays locked up. You are not the one who screams and curses. You are not the one who settles. You are not the one who forgets your family. You are not like those who give not. You are not the selfish guy or the greedy guy or the scared guy. You are not the one who belittles. You are not too proud and not too soft.

#13: What are we talking about again? So who are you exactly. I type now with my eyes closed. I am not trying to forget where I am or who I am. I am just trying to rid myself of the external factors of the room of this world. Who are you? You are proud of religion and family. You strive for excellence in faith and heart. Is language important anymore? Is race? Is my red-headed, blue-eyed reincarnation of my mother important anymore? Is education? Yes, education is most important.

#14: So what's with the number system? And where am I headed? Will I really leave? I am having a mid-mid-life crisis. I think it is likely. Absurd, but likely.

#15: It's true. Flaws aplenty: I check my email obsessively. I make up songs spur of the moment. I cannot sing worth a dime. My face feels dry right now (where’s my stinking lotion?). My shirts are sometimes to short and my pants are sometimes not loose enough. I have wanted it rainy when other will sunshine. I have laughed aloud.

#16: I think, therefore I write gibberish. But I will be going back. Maybe more pictures to become wallpaper. Maybe more deer to scare the living daylights out of me. Maybe sunrise and sunset and midday glory. Maybe better friends and happier moments. Maybe nothing but a vacation. Even that makes me smile.

#17: For real this time. Spend ten minutes everyday to call someone you haven’t talked to in a while. Write a letter to someone who will appreciate it (stripes most definitely included).

#18: That's it? I have no car stereo and only one working ear bud. Life is sometimes too good.

Understanding

The feeling
-helpless defeat-
hasn't hit for quite some time
-one, two, or three years?-
and it seems I've almost forgotten
-or so I try-
the last conquest.

The feeling
-hopeful indulgence-
hasn't bothered to visit for a while
-two, four, six months?-
and it seems I always give up
-or so I tell myself-
the first good try.

The feeling
-endearing expectation-
hasn't happened upon me just yet
-who knows when?-
and it seems I guard the door
-or so I pretend-
to the organ.

The feeling
-generous content-
has yet to visit my corner
-Oh God, let it come-
and so the world has passed me by
-all for paper and prestige-
as I wait.

Four thousand two hundred and thirty-eight miles in five days is a great distance to travel with a good friend, especially when reading about zombies, being flagged down by "ladies of the night" (only to realize they're not and you're actually on the wrong side of the street), and stopping at all the awesome Masjids on the way.

L'chaim! ;)

Dear, orange is not your color.

I came.
How could I not?
I don't hear you or see you for weeks at a time it seems.
I miss, but not this you.
The you of so long ago.

Read.
Read in the name of your Lord.

You don't like to read?

Knowledge.

Iman.

Have they left your heart completely?

Tawba.

Taqwa.
Did they fall on deaf ears?
You forget the words of only yesteryear?
Have I betrayed you?

Don't worry, you weren't the only one to make me cry.

too long

I enjoyed my trip to Eureka Springs. Arkansas is simply beautiful. No matter what anyone else says about it, I really enjoy driving through Arkansas. I just might go again next week. I took off next Thursday through Sunday for a trip. I thought we were going to Houston, then it changed to Chicago, and now it looks like no one can go. That's okay, I'm headed out. I can just take my own car and drive, insha'Allah. I'm flexible. But since I've already taken the days off, I want to make the most of it. Speaking of taking days off, I can't believe I signed up to work this much during my VACATION! I have forgotten how hard it is to work with little kids. Alhamdulillah, I have patience, but it is seriously killing me. I have to come home and take a nap almost every day. Today, I had to FORCE myself to go to Riverside! FORCE myself. I LOVE to visit my favorite spot. I enjoy the walk/jog. I enjoy the breeze and the time to think and jam to my music. And even though I made myself go today, I enjoyed every second. I actually stayed really long. I had far too much fun sprinting across the bridge at nearly full speed in the wind of the biker who was probably annoyed by my presence. I had a great workout and then I sat and just decided to think. I have a soundtrack to my life. I choose the song and think. Sometimes the wind is the song, sometimes the passing cars and the fishermen. Sometimes it's a little sould and a flash of jazz or a hint of pop or a tad of blues. Today, I don't know what it was. It was just my thoughts. A little sister run away and I don't know why. A brother locked away and I know all too well why. I wondered how many of our bros are locked away and how broken the system is. I wondered how many of our sisters decide the running is better than sitting. I can't fix it, and that has taken all of me. I don't have the energy anymore. I sat and waited. And as I waited, I asked myself what I was waiting for. Which made me think of who I was waiting for and loneliness that doesn't really bother me anymore. But it does. I sat alone and didn't want anyone to bother me. I didn't feel like conversation or the facade of pleasantries. I only wanted to think. I was kind of hoping for a miracle. I was kind of hoping I'd see one of them. I thought I had more than once; I lost them both again. I am at the edge of my water. I don't know whether to jump in or just sit at the edge. I don't feel like talking in metaphors really, but I can't help it. I am a little lonely, but I am embraced in love. I am sad, but I insist on being happiness. I am waiting, but I am far too busy. The clock is ticking, in reality, and I have to catch the train. Ooh, speaking of trains, maybe I could just take a train. I have been wanting to do that. Speaking of wanting, I think I will find a ticket to My Fair Lady this Sunday. I love that musical!!! Speaking of musicals, I am also going to plan on seeing one of the Wicked performances this month, insha'Allah.

There much better.

In the sweet summer months,
I leave my Window open
for you In the night
so you caN gently
caress away the Day.

The end?

I'm done! I turned in my final paper a few moments ago!!! Woohoo!

Graduation is on Monday! I'm super excited! Alhamdulillah!

Oh, but there's that one little problem I need to take care of tonight. Here we go again.

Then again, whatev! I'm done!

WOOHOO! Time to celebrate!

Alhamdulillah.

Remember?

It was fourteen years ago today that an explosion rocked the core of the heartland. I remember the day and I remember the feeling. I remember the way it changed our view of the world and changed the way we looked at ourselves. Today I experienced the overwhelming need to cry and had a reason. As I looked at the shoes, and keys, and debris that was once a part of someone's life, there was an understanding of how hate can destroy and how helpless we really are. I watched people around me cry, remembering fathers and wives and children lost.

I walked in alone. But once inside, I walked hand-in-hand with ghosts.


"We come here to remember those who were killed, those who survived and those changed forever. May all who leave here know the impact of violence. May this memorial offer comfort, strength, peace, hope and serenity."

Visit the Oklahoma City National Memorial site by clicking the link above (the quote) or below. If you cannot go in person, the website gives a good idea of how beautiful the site is. Beautiful but sorrowful. Bittersweet.

www.OklahomaCityNationalMemorial.org

Self-censorship

I'm not really one to block my thoughts. I'd much rather write without worrying about the consequences, post without fear of reprecussions, and speak without being threatened. I am in no way harmed or under any oppression. Well, except the opression of my own hand. I am censoring myself. I can't really write all the things I want. Saying them would be too hard. Explaining them too difficult. Accepting them too deprecating. But above all, to write them would only expose my own flaws, and that is something the powerful never allow.

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I always have weird dreams, but last night, they were dreams of all things I fear. They have left me with a funny taste in my mouth and fear churning in the pit of my stomach.

.

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.

"Do you ever wonder why all this is happening? Do you ever feel that you're getting the shaft because of it? Is that selfish?" she asked, all the words almost coming out at once, the confession, the one too shady to utter, only just announced and the silence only thus broken.

.

"No. Not at all." The voice was soft and true. "It was just time for bad things again. They come in cycles. It was just time."

.

With hardship comes ease. Verily, with hardship comes ease. (Quran 94: 5-6)

I want to study abroad. I am applying for a scholarship for a public high school teacher to take a trip to study far from home for about ten days. In order to form my response to the essay question, I felt that I needed to do some research. I read a great article about the need for more teachers to travel and bring that perspective to their students. The article "Where in the World Is My English Teacher?" was truly inspiring. In the article, the author mentions an essay by Alice Walker. I looked it up (isn't that what happens when you research? one thing leads to another?) and read it. The essay, like a lot of Alice Walker's works, was easy to read. It was like she was standing in front of me telling me about life and her experience. I enjoyed reading the essay and wanted to go straight to the bookstore and buy the collection of her essays. Too bad I stayed at the library until 10! Oh, well. There's always tomorrow. Besides, I still need to buy my copy of Pride and Prejudice and Zombies. ;)

Whoever you are, you'll likely enjoy the essay too. Check it out: http://books.google.com/books?id=m9vSViOPwN8C&pg=PA187&dq=%22The+Universe+Responds%22&lr=

I think I will just lie here a while,
until the lump in my throat dissipates,
and the throbbing in my head ceases.

I am completely, utterly exhausted.

A project, school, work, AND daylight savings time all in one weekend? What was I thinking?

Daylight savings time? Ba-humbug! Give me back my hour!

Blind spot

It's been quite some time since I have actually had to open that old vault of the hidden and share the darkness with someone else. Oh, it's not all coldness; there is a light and color hidden deep within it's recesses. That is what is hidden with the utmost care and sensitivity. The damp road through is really short-lived, though the end isn't really celebration.

The lock is not too hard to open. The key is around here somewhere; it is in his speech, his care, his trust, his hope. The key is almost in his grasp; it is in his kindness, his tenderness, his intention, his unceasing attention.

I want my name to be
synonymous with
reliable
and
honest.

DesIring Something
other thAn what was delivered
Finding out the Past
really wasn't Pretty
and neither is the world
at your feet
In times of greatness
and times of weakness,
it is exactly what
you didn't want
and exactly what you got
I was foolish to expect
something more
when nothing was there
to begin with
Being young and
foolish is no excuse
for being asleep
when the world
stop asking us why

near the end of apathy

I am okay
and I am alright
but damn the
stubborn tears
still hot in my eyes.

I feel like she is making a mistake, and that I, in letting her make that mistake, am making an even greater mistake. He should never have hit. NEVER. But it is far more than that. I helped her leave, and I saw no problem in that at the time. But now some of the things she has said are not exactly true. I know she fears for the baby, but she has forgotten to hope for the baby. I don’t think it is fair. I don’t know what I would do in her situation. But I do think she should give it another shot. All the issues are out in the open. If he’s willing to start, shouldn’t she? Not for their own sakes, but for the baby’s? I have mixed feelings about it, but I’m really leaning towards a resolve to the problem if he is now willing to try. I think it would help to lay everything out on the table and be honest and straightforward (as they should have always been to begin with). I will have a heart-to-heart with her when I see her fact to face. Some things are too difficult to bring up over the phone. The issues of religion and the sanctity of marriage (not what I mean, but close enough). The issue of raising a child with her father and finding yourself in life. I don’t know how to say it, but I know I will. It’s my job. I wish I could talk to him. I think I will. What could it possibly hurt? I know she is afraid that he’ll take the baby and run, but I don’t see that happening. I know she is afraid to make him love the baby and have that be an issue in their possible (nearly probable) divorce. I think he should go with me to see her. I think he should have gone a long time ago. I think there is something wrong with her; something to make her think this way. She got what she wanted and then gave up on the rest. I don’t think it is right.

We still talk about marriage though. She still says she wants to find me a guy. It’s a little ironic. I told her about the guy who was talking to me while still married. She told me a similar story. It was ironic and funny. I haven’t told her that I’m seriously working on it. I’m not turning anyone away immediately. I’m giving everyone a chance. It won’t be easy for anyone, I think. But I am ready. If only I could let go.

Pseudo-date

So it was all a waste of time.
I mean I don't mind meeting people,
really one of the reasons I didn't mind
meeting someone new in an open venue,
but he already knew it was all for naught.
It's a little funny to me though.
All in all, at least I can say I did try
and I didn't just run away from a chance,
no matter how unlikely.

I drank an entire tall cup
of hot tea in an hour
WITHOUT a bit of sugar.
Ironically, I like a little tea
with my sugar. :)

He talked of himself for most of the time.
I listened.

He talked of relations with a sort of lack of respect.
I secretly despised
(for who was I to be told
what should be family secrets).

He talked of the past and failed marriage.
I listened
(knowing all too well that
it was a sort of deal breaker of sorts).

Overall, it wasn't a bad "date."
I only write so that one day
I will remember
with a little
chuckle.

makes me think of what I (have) missed
what I am (always) missing

perplexing

someone called me last night
and asked me out
well, kind of
sort of
maybe?

don't really know who he is
but made a plan
well, i guess
somewhat
maybe?

this has never really happened
but i was sleeping
sort of

i was ambiguous, as i usually am
when i don't know what
to do really

don't really know if i want to meet him
though i'd promised myself
i'd actually give guys a try
this year, rather than
just putting them
down after a
minute

on the other hand, can't really imagine
myself telling my dad, or mom
for that matter, about the
random phone call or
the weirdness
of it all

i could be wrong though
maybe he just needs help with homework
or something like that

as a matter of fact, i really almost
asked if that is what it's about
but i don't think i'm naive
enough to think that
or stupid enough
to go alone

i could still be wrong though

helping someone with their english
homework is what i do best
i think

the conversation on the phone
only lasted a minute and a half
and i was in bed almost asleep
when my phone rang, vibrated really,
under my pillow
it was a random number,
and since i've been getting
random calls from random numbers,
people leaving weird messages
or not responding when i answer,
i decided to try it again
and then i was confused
i couldn't think of a way to weasel
out of the situation,
something i am usually very good at,
and just sort of left it at
"can you call me tomorrow"
i almost thought it didn't happen
i mean, it could have
all been in my head
right?

wait a minute though
maybe
just maybe
he'll pay for dinner
instead of me paying
for it all,
that can only happen
to a girl once,
right?

Happiness is…

scattered showers right after a sun storm
finishing a good book in less than three days
jogging a mile with a cool river’s breeze on my back
admitting an unreciprocated love despite the complications
singing with all your soul even when your voice is unpleasant
dancing in a closet to your own peppy beat
leftover pieces of birthday cake
a pink scarf on a black day
a green-yellow banana
big Gerber daisies
fluffy clouds
a baby
visiting friends
praying for the best
asking for forgiveness
skipping with the sisters
a comment you leave on my blog
a smile in a face, a glimmer in an eye
gum that last longer than twenty minutes
whipped cream in a warm mug of hot cocoa
this conversation I’m having with you in my head
not the loss of a hint of sadness in my tone
being asked to be a friend’s bridesmaid
every single hope and prayer left in me
every thought of her that still flutters
pictures both in mind & on shelf
applying your own nail polish
absolutely perfect highlights
strong and somewhat scary
a great finished product
a stunning red dress
the best flat shoes
a pedicure
writing





The journey towards finding happiness will never quite end...nor could these thoughts ever be quite complete.