Sunday, November 20, 2011

I am constantly chasing that which I cannot have.

It's funny because I have always thought of myself as a fairly rational person. Rational, it seems, in all ways except love. And I find myself rebelling in as many ways as I will let myself. They are fairly small ways, but they are my own way of being rebellious. I know I am unhappy. So unhappy. I have found a deep dark place inside of myself and I don't necessarily like it. I think I may like it well enough though for it seems that I could get myself out of it if I wanted. But maybe I don't.

I don't want to marry a FOB. It worked for you? Cool. Great. Congrats. But I don't think I can do it.

I want to fall in love.

I want to date. Maybe not in a horribly modern sense, but in a romantic "his hand brushed mine" and a "he held the door open for me as we went into the restaurant" type of way.

I want to feel pretty and I want to be pursued.

I feel so desperate and yet I am not willing to settle at all. It is totally ironic, I know.

My friend is gone. I miss her. Though I know I can't talk about this with her anymore. I can't talk to anyone about it anymore. And so I turn to you again, blog. I turn to you so that I can vent to someone, cause God knows I can't use Facebook or my friends or family. I can't show my biggest weakness there and and I cannot talk about this anymore for it is the only thing that I seem to want to talk about. I am becoming a recluse. A social recluse. A paradox, I know. But I am always alone in a group of people. And always talking to those I love, but never love in the way I wish.

I know I am loved. I know that I am lucky. But I am so lonely I can feel it weighing down on my face.

I am bitter these days...but not in a horrible way. Just this way:

A divorced woman remarries, and I wonder what's wrong with me.
A widowed woman has suitors she denies and then decides to marry, and I wonder what the hell is wrong with me.
Divorced for two days? No biggie, there's a man for her too. And me? I'm still single.
What? Cheated on your husband? That's okay, here's another for you. Yep, you guessed it: I'm all alone watching.
Eighteen and getting married? So happy for you. So sad for me.

I do not begrudge my sisters their love. I truly rejoice in their happiness. I just revel in my own sadness. I am wallowing in self-pity and hate it.

This is not me. I know it is not me. I know that there is something so wrong with me. Maybe it is all this country music I am listening to :). <----that. That is me. That joke and that smile, that is me. And that is what I do so that a serious issue does not define me. That is what I do so that the moment doesn't kill me. And that is what I do all the freaking time. I am tired of it. I need friends my own age. I need to find love. Immediate, happy, true love.

I know what I think I want.

But whatever, it's all good. I will go on. I will be presumably happy. I will smile and I will stay busy. I will rejoice in one more day. Maybe a day closer to happiness.

Alhamdulillah. Always alhamdulillah.