Eid Thinking...Thinking Eid...

The following is an email I sent to the youth group this past week as a reminder of an activity (that part has been kindly removed). But the thoughts I shared with them are relevant here as they are a part of my thoughts and the inner-dorky-workings of my mind. :)

Asalam Alaikum!

Insha'Allah everyone is now enjoying the last ten days of Ramadan. I pray that Allah accept our fast and make us among those who follow the straight path and are granted Jannah! Ameen.

"So have you bought new Eid clothes yet?"

"Ohmigosh, I found the most perfect
outfit at the mall yesterday!"

"I can't believe you are gonna wear a skirt!
You of all the sisters in the world!"

"Yeah, it's blue and has light blue stripes..."

"The shoes are the best part..."

"You should see my scarf!"

OH MY ALLAH!
I haven't even started shopping!
Is Ramadan really almost over!
*begins to panic as Eid prayer starts*

These are just a handful of the conversations I've been hearing the last week. Actually, some of them I've heard since Ramadan started. And okay, one is kinda fictionalized...they were saying that the pants were the best part :). All this talk of Eid clothes is just a sign of the winding down of this holy month of Ramadan. This makes me both sad and excited. It is sad to see the time of reflection and self-rennovation that is Ramadan swiftly pass us by. It is exciting to stand by my brothers and sisters for Eid prayer. It is sad to know that our Masjid will not be packed wall to wall with the faithful as it is in Ramadan. It is exciting to hear that early morning Eid chant begin. It is sad to realize another Ramadan has gone by. It is exciting to seek the love and forgiveness of Allah in the months to come.

On a brighter note: I hope you have all found your new Eid outfits by now...if not, happy hectic last-six-days of tiresome shopping! :)

Salams!

P.S. I also want to remind you all that while we are able to enjoy such blessings as a great iftar with foods of all sorts, new clothes, and gifts, we have brothers and sisters around the world who are suffering and can only dream of such things as ours. Please keep our brothers and sisters in your dua. And if you recieve the blessing of money this Eid, do not hesitate to give at least a part to those who need everthing we can give them. There are donation boxes at the Masjid for our brothers and sisters in Pakistan. If you can, donate. At the very least make dua.

May Allah make it easy for those who face any hardship this Eid. May Allah help them and protect them. May Allah make this ummah rise to the call of duty and come to the aide of our brothers and sisters in Islam as well as our brothers and sisters in humanity. Ameen.

Isn't life grand? *hug*

A friend of mine read my blog today. But she couldn't post a comment so she sent it to me through other means...I just had to post it since it made my day! *hug* *group hug* *floats outta the room

Asalam Alakum!
Okay so I thought it would be a really cool thing to do to write you a nice encouraging letter. If I had a blog thingy I would leave you a comment because it seems like no one ever comments you. I really enjoyed reading through all of your old posts as well as your new ones. It was completely wonderful getting the opportunity to see things through your eyes. Ive always wondered what it would be like inside that head of yours. (I am not being sarcastic) I look up to you sooooo much. You are with any doubt in my body my older sister. You are there for me when I need advice, a shoulder to cry on, to laugh with, girl talk (which I happen to do a lot of), and moral support. Alhamdulilah I have found someone that I can rely on like you. You are a truly remarkable person. You have forever changed my life for the better. You have made me become a better muslim. Which is something that is priceless… and that is the true gift that keeps on giving. Ah, I really do not know how to thank you for all that you have done for me except to say… that you will be and always have been in my duah. May Allah grant you Jinnah. May Allah bless you to live a life of happiness and health. May Allah grant your family and all of your friends Jinnah and too also live a life of happiness and health. Ammen. I wish only the best of things for you and your family. You are someone who deserves every good thing that you have. I again thank you for your never ending support and love. In return I would like to offer you the same. (well yeah I kinda think you already knew that but… oh well) Anyways, I love you and thank you sooo much. (gosh I hope that didn’t sound to sappy and cheesy… forgive me if it does… you know Im a dork)

Your favorite lil sis,
xoxoxooxoxoxoxoxoxoxooxoxoxoxoxooxoxoxoxoxxo

In the words of a sarcastic fellow teacher: "Oh my Allah!"

Why does such a bright young girl need to wear SO much mascara and eyeliner to the Masjid??? It's appalling. She is beautiful and doesn't need the make-up to prove it. I think I will give her a lesson in subtlty....yes, tonight we shall talk...

Do I stay logged on the messenger for a reason I don't want to admit? Do I do it because I expect the unexpected?

Why does my cell not work anymore? Why does it tell me to 'insert card' when the card is already inside???

When will I grow up?

Where is the end of the rainbow? What rainbow? Where is the rainbow? Why don't I see a rainbow? Ohmigosh....it's perfect weather outside!

Why am I inside writing this?

Where is the playground?

Why am I writing all of this? Am I tried of students asking questions? Is this a way for me to vent after being asked millions of unnecessary questions (and about the same number of important questions) today alone?

'Tis a possibility...

Will today be the day?
Will I finally release myself of the burden
of tears in the back of my eyes
of fears in the back of my mind?
Will I finally let go of the bitterness
I so painstakingly try to hide?

Will today be the day?
Will I finally feel the joy
of true release
of a worry-free day?
Will I finally feel refreshed after
a night of calm reflection
and thanks a million times?

Today shall not be.
My tears will not come.
My fears remain.
Bitter, no. Sorry, maybe. Afraid, completely.

When shall I be able to cry...out of fear...out of happiness..out of devotion...out of sincerity...
There are those who cry in prayer...why can I not be of them?
There are those who cry in misery at the misfortune of brothers...why can I not be of them?
There are those who cry tears of joy...why can I not be of them?

I do believe...I do fear...I do hope...I do pray...

Oh Allah accept from me my prayers and fast! Oh Allah please give me that which will make me a better Muslimah...

Oh reader, forgive me my rants...

What a deal!

Allah has promised us salvation in the Quran. He has made things super easy.---That's what I was teaching my Islam class today. The lesson was an intro to the 5 pillars of Islam...we just began talking about the meaning of "Islam" as a way of life, deen, and the definition of ibada--worshipping Allah in all that you do... I gave them four ayahs from Surat al-Saf (61: 10-13) that talks about our 'deal' with Allah, the ultimate deal He has offered:

يَا أَيُّهَا الَّذِينَ آَمَنُوا هَلْ أَدُلُّكُمْ عَلَى تِجَارَةٍ تُنجِيكُم مِّنْ عَذَابٍ أَلِيمٍ

O ye who believe! Shall I lead you to a bargain that will save you from a grievous Penalty?-

تُؤْمِنُونَ بِاللَّهِ وَرَسُولِهِ وَتُجَاهِدُونَ فِي سَبِيلِ اللَّهِ بِأَمْوَالِكُمْ وَأَنفُسِكُمْ ذَلِكُمْ خَيْرٌ لَّكُمْ إِن كُنتُمْ تَعْلَمُونَ

That ye believe in Allah and His Messenger, and that ye strive (your utmost) in the Cause of Allah, with your property and your persons: That will be best for you, if ye but knew!

يَغْفِرْ لَكُمْ ذُنُوبَكُمْ وَيُدْخِلْكُمْ جَنَّاتٍ تَجْرِي مِن تَحْتِهَا الْأَنْهَارُ وَمَسَاكِنَ طَيِّبَةً فِي جَنَّاتِ عَدْنٍ ذَلِكَ الْفَوْزُ الْعَظِيم

He will forgive you your sins, and admit you to Gardens beneath which Rivers flow, and to beautiful mansions in Gardens of Eternity: that is indeed the Supreme Achievement. ُ

وَأُخْرَى تُحِبُّونَهَا نَصْرٌ مِّنَ اللَّهِ وَفَتْحٌ قَرِيبٌ وَبَشِّرِ الْمُؤْمِنِينَ

And another (favour will He bestow,) which ye do love,- help from Allah and a speedy victory. So give the Glad Tidings to the Believers.

I was really into my lesson today...I was so inspired and felt like I was listening to myself while I was talking. The best part doesn't come until after school today.

I was sitting in my classrom when one of my students comes in:

Hey Teacher, are you busy?

No, not really. (I say this as I mark my place in the Quran and look up with a smile.) What's up?

So you know how you were, like, talking about those Ayahs in class today? (As his English teacher, I am trying VERY hard to break him of saying 'like' when it's not needed...well, I just ignored it now...I had a feeling he had something important to say.)

Yeah. The ayah about Allah's promise?

Yeah...well, I had a question...but it seems I've like forgotten it. But I know it was very important.

Let's see if you remember...The Ayahs were about how Allah promises that if we believe in Him and His Messenger and do our best that He will not only save us from Hell-fire, but He will grant us a place in....

Oh yeah, I remember now. That deal is like a business, right? I mean, it's like a business is offered a deal that will make it NEVER go bankrupt! Right?

Not only that, they are also promised that their business will become a multi-million dollar corporation!

Yeah, that's easy...It's like having an EASY button

Yes...it's an easy button...and I wish for the multi-million dollar corporation that is Jannah!

Oh what joy it is to hear the truth from the mouths of babes!

Thank you Allah for giving me the opportunity to learn and grow...even at the hands of children!

:)

Backbiting

Just ran across this website...kinda cool. Be warned that there are a few words that I would rather have not read, but the overall article is great. I laughed outloud. I may have to present a kosher version to the youth someday...
http://www.maniacmuslim.com/Biting_Back_Hurts.html?PHPSESSID=382d9da23cf6f88324d90cdbe78a6519

If you're happy and you know it...

Well....I'm happy...YAY!!! Okay, nothing all that great happened...just had a good conversation with a sis...got good news via email (twice in one night mind you!)...and read lots of good things on the net... Now if only I can~~~forget it!~~~why ruin the moment...

If you're happy and you know it...ALLAHUAKBAR!
If you're happy and you know it...ALHAMDULILLAH!
If you're happy and you know it...then you faith shall surely show it.
If you're happy and you know it...ALLAHUAKBAR!

Dorkiness rules! :)

Blah...blah...blah...

I feel so...blah...
NEVER YOU MIND....

Today, some of the girls came up to me at the Masjid.

"Hey Kamlah, we spent five hours filming our movie today!"
And they would have spent about that much time explaining thier movie to me! :) See the youth group (whatever that really means) is sponsoring a movie competition entitled "The Best of Ramadan." There really aren't any specifications...the kids just have to be creative. I'm dorky, so I have encouraged dorky movies. :)

Well, the girls made a movie called "Iftar Iron Chef"...a mimic of some show on the food network... they are super excited! Now that is what I wanted! Alhamdulillah.

I think I will make my own movies even though I can't win the prize...speaking of which, I better find out how much $$$ we can afford to give... Oh the never ending life of the dorky sister Kamlah... haha :)

Feeling much better now.... I should write random things more often.

Sorry

I am truly sorry for many things. This from someone who tries to make it my policy not to be sorry for my actions...It's one thing to do something that hurts a fellow Muslim and apologize (I pray I do it often enough) but it is something completely different to make a decision that affects someone else only to find you wished you had not made that decision. I don't want to live my life always saying 'what if.' Allah tests us along the way every day, and insha'Allah we are able to pass that test. I would not change my decision because had I the chance to live it over, I would have made the same mistake to learn the lesson I needed to learn. I only pray that those I affect with my decisions can forgive me for being rash or unclear. I hurt myself more than you know. I wonder if this can ever be fixed....

... I need a hug... I actually dreamed of getting a hug last night...I need a hug...

Too much

My last post did not make that much sense... Maybe in a weird way it did. But overall it did not. My jabbering may cause pain and trouble. But why oppress my feelings? ... I promise I say more than I do. May Allah forgive me. May you all forgive me...

Okay, I must add some normal dorkiness to my blog. Here goes:

So I wrote an email to the girls in my youth group. It was a very serious email (I truly apologized for the lack of dorkiness in my usually dorky youth group mailings). To make life brighter (read: dorkier), I decided to end it with a joke. Funny thing though. One of the girls already emailed me back to say she was gonna participate in some of the events but that she didn't get the joke. Let's see if it is lost on you too.

Three brothers walked into a bar (astaghfirAllah). Their sister ducked (and then proceeded to laugh and point at the boys).

HAHAHA...ahhhhh, the dorky old jokes of yesteryear!
;)

What should I title this? I haven't even written it yet...

I don't feel so well. I am not myself. I have problems....many problems...okay, I lie. Alhamdulillah I do not have major problems (some people would disagree), but I am really not feeling like myself.

I am not sure what I want in life...well, maybe I do...no, I don't think I do. I have dreams, yes (not just the whacko dreams discussed before, but ideas of what I want my life to be like in the future). But I don't really know what i want.

And so I sit here in my room in the middle of the night and I type...reminds me of better days when I used to do the same with better results, happier results...
I really wish to cry...I need to cry. But I cannot. Why should I cry? Alhamdulillah i have a roof over my head and food in my tummy. Why should i cry simply because I am not satisfied with...? Why should I cry simply because my head aches from the thoughts swarming in it? Am I not grateful for all that I have? I am. I am because I should be. I am because I will make myself be. But...

I thought I would be happy by now. I thought that everything would be clear by now. I wish we could all just say what we want to each other. Things will never be the same if we did, but things will never be the same even if we didn't. So why not take the risk? Why not just open up? Because it is hard. That is why! Because change scares us. Because we are proud and stubborn...? Or maybe because we think that if things stay the same it will be okay. That's the problem. Things never stay the same. We change: our bodies, our minds, our world. Nothing stays the same.

I loved....so I thought loved...
I liked... so oplenly I liked...
I cared...so deeply do I care...
I despised...so quickly did I forgive...
I desired...so quickly did I forget...
I cried...so soon do teardrops vanish...
I wished...so clearly do dreams change...
But I am confused...thoroughly confused...
I am confused about everything...but confident I seem...

Should I even write all of this? What if.... But no, I think it so I write it. No apologies.

Random

If you know me well enough, you know that I am a dreamer. I'm not talking about having dreams of one day running marathon (like I'd bother) or traveling through space (a Jupiter Jump is as good as it gets). I mean that I am an individual who has weird dreams that make you laugh out loud, cry profoundly, or just simply freak you out. I must warn you that I don't put much in store by my dreams. I don't think they mean something ALL the time. I do believe that they are generally the product of my imagination running wild.

WARNING: If you think it is wrong for me to share my dreams, do not read the rest of this. However, if you would like to have some silliness added to your day (and just so ya know, there might be a touch of drama), please read on (*hint* comments are most welcome *hint*):

Last night:

...So there I am, running in my backyard. I think I am training this giant horse for a competition of sorts. By giant, I mean I barely come up to the bottom of it's hoof. So here I am training something that is so big I can't really see the top (I can because it is my dream, but the me in my dream cannot). And I am training the giant horse ( I wonder what it's name is?) in my backyard which doesn't make sense seeing how my backyard is not big enough to train a giant horse (I doubt the horse could even fit in the yard). It doesn't matter though because my dreams don't have to (and they never do) make sense. Well at the end of my dream, the horse is mad at me and starts chasing me. I begin to run away but fall in the grass. I lie in the grass when the big shadow covers the earth around me. I begin to pray for my life knowing the horse is about to step on my head and all my insides (whatever little brain matter that is left) will come squishing out. And in my dream, I am lying on the grass seriously imagining how my head is gonna be squished like a grape. But when the horse steps on my head, nothing happens. It seems that the grass acted like padding and saved my head. All the pressure from the horse's hoof was applied to the area around me, but not on me. So I raise my head up and said "Alhamdulillah." And then I wake up.....

NOTE TO SELF: Do not watch "Clifford: The Big Red Dog" with my little sister anymore.

Night before last:

...I am at the Masjid and it is time for iftar. I have just added salt and pepper to my meal. I need to return the pepper container to the office in the Masjid (why the office, I'll never know). The problem is that I know that in one of the back rooms of the office someone is having a meeting with a musical nasheed group and their crew (yeah, they have a large crew) because they have just finished a show and have one more to do. So I return the pepper to the bookshelf (yeah, I put the pepper right next to the religious books) and hesitate for a second. I want to see the guy but at the same time I fear talking to him. But in the end he comes out and we start talking. Alhamdulillah, it was an okay conversation (I was nervous, I think), but the guy looked different than he usually does. Anyway, we start talking about a problem that occurred the evening before. It seems that one of my youth group members had fallen in love with one of the crew members (some young guy whose job it was to move equipment). She was in love with the kid and wanted to run away with him but her dad interrupted. The kid and the dad duke it out in front of the Masjid. And as we are talking, I note how the poor kid is not at the meeting. The guy tells me the poor kid ran away after the ordeal, but that he wasn't gonna go after the girl. And so we end our conversation (which keeps being interrupted by random people who just want to tell him and the crew 'hi') with a promise to keep our eyes open for any other challenges that might arise between crew members and youth group girls...

NOTE TO SELF: Do not chat with youth group girls on instant messenger late at night while listening to Nasheeds.

The two don't seem to mix. :)

I swear that I don't usually have many weird dreams right after each other. It usually just happens randomly. I only wrote about two that I've had recently, but in reality there have been a lot in the last two weeks. And these weird dreams are generally random and hilarious.

Take for example a few nights ago (the last one, I promise):

...I am at a wedding for an acquantaince of mine (I am not sure whose wedding, but it is one of two sisters that I know---and by the way, they are younger than me). It's a desi wedding, it's actually the mehndi before the wedding. So all the women are dressed up and the girls are dancing. I go to another room (I am wearing a cute outfit: Black pants and top with a black scarf but I am wearing a shawl draped over my shoulder---it kinda looks sari-style). Once I get into the other room I start breast feeding my child (I have a child??? That was fast :). I don't know if it was a boy or girl, but it was definitely my child. When I am about to go into the other room these two guys come up to me (yeah, it's the girls mehndi night, but the guys are never too far away). They want to take a picture with me because they say I look like Madonna (not the religious "Madonna with child" but the "Material girl" Madonna----me??? with a scarf on??? ME??? I don't even look a tad bit like her!). I protest, but they beg to be able to take a picture back to Pakistan with the look alike of Madonna (As I type this, I am laughing at the craziness!). Finally, I oblige. Just as the camera flashes the iqama is made so we go to pray. I have to put on a prayer skirt (I'm not sure why). After prayer, I am leaving the party with my brother (I don't know what happened to my baby, maybe he/she is in the backseat) but I have left my prayer skirt behind. I don't remember until we get pretty far away from the building. It seems that the party was in a small country town (we have quite a few in OK). So when we turn around to go back, a cop car starts trailing us. My brother then runs a red light and the police officer pulls us over and makes my brother get out of the car. I beg the police officer to let me go get my skirt with my brother's car while he 'deal' with him. So I leave my brother with the crazy small town cop (I think my brother is handcuffed) just so that I can get my skirt...

And that's how it ends...I don't even know where all of that came from...

Where's a Freudian interpretation expert when you need one? :)

Say Hello...

Better yet, say "Asalam Alaikum."

I sure would appreciate it if someone would comment on my blog.... *hint *hint... if you come across my blog... *hint *hint .... please, please say hello (or see the first line). I've commented on a few other blogs, so I'm sure that someone must have looked at my blog...

*puppy dog eyes* please, please, please comment...I need some encouragement..

:)

I love ALLAH!

Yeah, that's right: I love Allah! I really do...I am happy with everything. I am satisfied with all that He has given me. I am tested no doubt, but I remain strong and keep struggling. I love Allah!

I was just talking to a friend and she asked me if I am engaged. I was talking with a great guy for a while, but in the end it did not work out as we had planned. (I am fine alhamdulillah....and so is he.) I told her I am not and the first thing she says is "I'm sorry." There is no reason for anyone to be sorry. Alhamdulillah.

I am happy with everything. Allah has a plan. He tests us. But in the end He loves us. And I know that what Allah has planned for us all is only the best. I tried to tell her that it was okay. That in the end it is what Allah had planned. I am not sour...neither is the brother. We realize that what we wanted did not come to pass and that it was for the best. Alhamdulillah.

Let's be reasonable. My only hope is that others can learn from my lessons...that others will learn to take things as they come and not feel bad when things don't work out.

Okay enough rambling.....

I love Allah. That's enough for me...

Buttons

Why is it that whenever you buy a new jacket the buttons are always sewn on poorly? I swear that no matter how much I pay for it (okay, I admit that sometimes it is very little----hey, I'm a conscientious clearance shopper), the jacket's buttons (at least one) falls off on the first day I wear it? Could it be that I play with the buttons absentmindedly, thus unthreading it? Could it be that someone at the factory is skimping on the amount of threading that goes into sewing a button? Could it be that I happen to pick the jackets that have been returned after someone messes with the button---"The Button Bad Buy?" Or could it be that all jackets were created equal---by bad button sewers---and my dilemma is nothing short of commonly faced jacket problems?

It just makes me mad....okay, not really. I am actually kind of happy today... Actually, I am smiling right now (despite the missing button on my new jacket). In reality, I feel so much better after writing that I just wanna hug someone....but I can't cause I've got to sew on a button.......

Ramadan

Today we begin our fast of the holy month of Ramadan. And for the last two years or so, I have not really 'felt' the month as it has come and gone. I used to be filled with happiness and joy....but I have had to feign such feelings the last two years. Not because I needed to show others that I felt such, but because I truly desired to 'feel' Ramadan.

Alhamdulillah, I can truly say I feel RAMADAN....and it was because of the actions of my students...

This morning as I walked into the building was bombarded with kisses and hugs from the sisters who work with me. I began smiling.... Students walked up to me with smiles on their faces and wished me "Ramadan Mubarak"......... I continued smiling..... Students in younger grades that I don't teach approached me with hugs and "Happy Ramadan"...... I was practically beaming as I smiled back at their sincere faces...... Former students now in high school blessed me with "Kul Sana wa inti bekhair" ("May you be blessed every year") and the young sisters even shook my hand and kissed me with delight at this holy month..... I have been smiling ever since.....

Alhamdulillah, I feel Ramadan. And insha'Allah, because of my smiles and my greetings I have made someone else's month better.

Moon Sighting

We often forget our blessings. We lose sight of how things work by His Grace. Miracles surround us everyday and yet we lose sight of how blessed we are to even witness a handful. Last night we turned our faces towards the sky in sweet anticipation. We held our breaths and watched the twinkling of stars and searched the sky for signs of another overlooked miracle. The fact that we looked, in itself, almost seems to BE the miracle.

I was speaking with a friend of mine over the phone late last night as we anxiously awaited the news of Ramadan (which in turn became the lack of news). She was voicing some frustration at the apparant lack of unity in the Muslim Ummah. "If we have such wonderful technology available, why can't we all KNOW when Ramadan IS and everyone, everywhere follow?" she asked. And so we began to explore that question (for that is the true blessing of having a great friendship: the ability to explore and speak freely and openly without fear of reprimand or hate). We could all follow ONE moon sighting. All Muslims in the world could go by any one country's sighting. We would not have to worry about the 'fighting' that happens in our Masjids nor the awkwardness of fasting a day before/after our brothers and sisters in another city/state/country.

"But that's not the point," I try to explain. For it is in this moment of frustration that I have an epiphany. It is not that we cannot have Ramadan together that frustrates us. It is the lack of love and sincere unity that frustrates us. And it is not because we do not fast on the same day that makes us lack unity, it is the feeling that we belong that is lacking. It is time for us to take control of our Ummah, for it is indeed ours. It is time that we take ownership for OUR actions as an Ummah. Once we do, it won't matter when we fast or what day we celebrate Eid. For then, and only then, will our actions matter and everything we do for our Muslim brothers and sisters be satisfying.

I have begun to think that Allah (SWT) has given us Ramadan for many reasons. And the miracle of our creation comes to mind. We have time to reflect on the greatness of the universe and the Great Creator. Reflection is a great thing. To look up at the stars and the moon and reflect on our lives. To know that God impacts our lives no matter how often we try to overlook Him. It seems that only on the night before Ramadan and the night before Eid do we really begin to reflect....

My thoughts can go on forever. And I feel that what I really wanted to say, I could not do successfully. But I have attempted to record this feeling. My reflections on the topic cannot be viewed as failure however. For to reflect is to gain success.....

Allah says in the Holy Quran that fasting was prescribed upon us so that we may gain Taqwa.


.......maybe in reflection there is taqwa.......