Life...Just now...

I just ran into old students.
With a fake grill in his mouth,
Sadly covering his rotting teeth,
A hat with crystals over the lame emblem,
And a necklace praising the all-powerful mary jane,
He was glad to see me.
“I make 50k making airplane parts.”
Money even I don’t dream to make for nothing
“I’ve got a baby on the way in January.”
A place I can’t imagine someone so young would endeavor
“I’m not in school, I make too much money.”
Yes, money, what would we do without it?
“Yeah, I run into other kids from that year,
Shot, dead, life in prison. Some are okay I guess.”
Right, so I’ve heard. Dead. Life in prison. Or still in school.
“Don’t worry, I’m gonna take care of my family.”
With a limited future, I’m sure you will.
“You remember Aaron, right?”
Oh, yeah the bright kid from fifth hour.
“He’s gotta baby girl. Five months.”
Congratulations. A baby. A life. Responsibility.
“Well, it’s good to see you.”
Take care of the family. Take care of yourself.
“I will.”
I’m sure you will.
No one was there to take care of you,
I’m sure you’ll take care of you and yours.

Some of us have a lot
And throw it all away.
Some of us have a little
And throw it away.
Some of us have nothing
And still strive for something better.

I’m glad I ran into him.
But a baby? A BABY?

And so where will we be?
Where will he be?
What’s ahead?

Dream 1

DREAM 1

The rain falls oh so heavily in the night time. Especially when one is trying to sleep. The dreams it conjures up are amazing. They mean almost nothing except that it was raining in the night and my imagination attempts to play on every fear, every hope. Dreams may mean nothing; yet they may mean something disturbingly true and fearsome.

***
From my window I see the clouds: dark, ominous clouds already drenching the world below. From this vantage point, I note the already moist ground, the puddles already dark with mud and sand, the window’s seemingly endless tears. It is almost beautiful at first. A thunderstorm to refresh the earth. All at once the storm becomes something greater altogether. The sirens sound and the world is put on high alert. Above the clouds begin to rotate into a massive ball of energy. What was first a soothing summer shower is now a fearsome ball of energy not to be reckoned with. This change only takes a few seconds, but it is amazingly frightening and disturbing; and surprisingly awe-inspiring. For a moment, the ball of energy (for it has indeed become like a large celestial object looking for something to orbit) sits frozen in the sky above. It is a milky color; blues and whites seeming to fade into each other. It is as round as the moon and closer than an airplane would be to the ground. It is constantly moving within itself even though it is not moving away or towards anything. With the object frozen above us for some time, I sense that everyone is watching the development. Everyone is afraid. Everyone is guessing what will happen next; nothing like this has ever happened to us before.

With amazing force and a flash of light, and a loud crack that vibrates the soul and mind, the storm begins to fall. Everyone heads for safety, secretly praying that the disaster will not hit their house, their families, their assets; I know this though I am alone in my room at my single window to the world. And then there is the blast; a deafening noise lasting only a minute, the violent winds that shake everything, the blinding light that spreads and then leaves us without any light at all. It is more terrifying than the waiting. It is the truth spoken aloud; things will never be the same, things are definitely wrong.

Looking out of the front window of the house, I can see some of the damage. “Thank God it wasn’t my house that was hit,” I say aloud. “Thank God.”

The area only a couple blocks away is not the same. It seems the blast has flipped the town around. Signs of stores from miles away are somehow scattered carelessly around the area. Signs litter the entire stretch of land within my sight. Signs that used to mean comfort, food, normalcy, are all strewn in an open field. It is scary to sit alone and ponder what doesn’t make sense. I venture out into the world.

I pass people. I remember walking with some man for a bit, but the words he was saying made no sense whatsoever. I tried to console, but we couldn’t communicate. I looked ahead at the topsy-turvy sight ahead of me and I know. I know it is the end of the world. Some said it would come by fire, some by rain, and some by disease. It came as something we couldn’t have imagined. It came as a storm to end all storms. A storm left vivid in my mind.

There in the desolate darkness that is now or existence, I can only think one thought. Only one thing crosses my mind. I fear the future and what will happen. I swear the world was ending and I thought to myself,

“Well, it’s the end of the world and I’m still not married! No use now…”

***

Last night...reflections...

I’m just wondering
Could you possibly
Just walk with me
Around this town
Walk to the nearest
Area of interest?
Could you just stand
Beside me?
You would not
Have to say a single
Solitary word
You would just
Need to stand
Beside me for
A while so
I won’t feel
So alone
Here
Right now
So could you?
Could you possible
Just be with me
For an hour
A minute
Any length of Time really
And just
Stand
By
Me?

***

There is a lump in my throat
I can’t explain it.

I almost yelled in prayer today
I almost cried at the radio
I almost called again
I almost didn’t write this
I almost walked away
I almost try to pretend it all never happened
I almost exist merely in words
I almost cease to truly be me
I almost didn’t write this


***
If I walked past,
Would you call me back?

***

Wicked dreams...

The world ending...a car falling into my backyard from the sky...

I wonder if there really is something wrong with me? :)

(I know what Freud would say...but I'll have to write out my dreams another time...psycho-analysis will have to presume when I have enough time to write them all out, insha'Allah.)

The sounds escaping my mouth...
they're not mine.

The tears sprung from my eyes...
they're not mine.

It couldn't have been me.
It wasn't my conscious decision.

I sobbed
like I've never sobbed before,
like I hope to never sob again, insha'Allah.

It scared him a bit, I think.
I know it scared her a lot.
I said it all without any show of my real emotion.
I said what was my duty without emotion.
But when he joked about his death,
I sobbed.
He was laughing,
laughing when all he wanted was to cry
(I take after him in that respect),
and I covered my eyes
and let it all come down.
Then I couldn't stop.
He kissed my forehead.
I grabbed on to his waist,
his leg,
and begged him not to die on me.
Not that it's in his hands,
but he can't give up on me.
May Allah keep him here with me
as long as I need him.

And so we appear strong,
trouble only comes to test.

We appear without emotion,
trouble only comes before blessings.

Yet we cried together.
That was the best thing
out of all of this.

Now my chest is free...
for the most part...
free of the burden of solitairy knowledge...



***

Now we need some good news.
Can we just get some good news?
Please.

"Verily with hardship comes ease..."

Keepin' the prize in sight. Right?

June 16, 2007
3:16 a.m.

and everyone sleeps,
fine with the choices they made.

It's three in the morning
and I can't sleep,
can't easily live,
with the choice THEY made.

***

the kNowledge of

an Unbelievably heavy

thought Making my days

horribly unBearable.

***

the pressure in my head is strangely comforting...i am still alive...

***

I'm in love.

Really in love.

I love...SUSHI!!!

Yeah, I can't even stay serious a whole two minutes.

I don't really believe in crying in front of others. Most people who know me know that about me. It's a little too intimate, too personal. Lately I just wanna cry a lot. I don't know if it is the world bogging me down or just that time of month. :) (I can never be serious long enough for my own good.)

***

I called her last night. My best friend. My very best friend. She's happy. She's more than happy. She's engaged and spending all her time with him. I'm not jealous of her. I'm not even jealous of him. I just miss her. I want her here. I want to tell her everything about everything; I want to tell someone everything I didn't tell anyone. How can I ruin her happiness? How can I even remind her of my existence?

I called my best friend last night and I cried. I cried on the telephone to a friend a million miles away in the Holy Land. Yet, as I cried, I lied. The tears streaked the face, the heart wept loudly, yet the smile was sent over the miles. The hopes the prayers were sent. The tears stayed in Tulsa to be indulged only by me.

It's better that way.

***

"From Kamlah I take...ummm.... our eternal love," she joked.

"That's just gay dude," was my dumb teenage-inspired reply. "You get cool things from everyone else, but from me you take love? Why can't I give you common sense or strength? Why can't I give you something to actually USE in Egypt?"

"You can take Kamlah's ability to hide her feelings," Laura said. "She never let's anyone know when something is the matter or something is bothering her. I'm sure you can use that around your in-laws!"

Who knew she knew me that well?

***

AMPUTEE

A chunk of me is gone.
(Loss of innocence happens in many ways.)
My words and feelings were mine.
Now they are in space.
Without my secret how can I exist?
Without my last hidden hope, how can I breath?
Without my WORDS, my selfish, secret words, who will I be?

There's a tingling sensation,
A burning sting where it used to be;
I feel it still.

A chunk of me is gone.

What will grow in its place?

secret

yesterday, I saw the most beautiful tree…I
ever saw in my life. It was yellow…. Almost
as yellow as the sun. It could be…Called
the sunlit tree; it was that yellow…You
might think I am crazy staring at trees…And
you might be right. But standing there I ….Asked
myself why it amazed me; it was the flowers…You
almost don’t see them from the ground…To
really see them you must…Go
back a few steps and look at them…Out
of the corner of your eyes…With
such beauty all around…Me

I couldn’t help…But
feel. I am not sure if…I
can describe it; I…Didn’t
try to contain it in words yesterday…I
just admired it; sometimes I…Wish
to always observe nature always…Sometimes
I wish to be around it always…I
love to feel the breeze; it …Would
be nice to always go there…But
it reminds me of you and…I
don’t need to be reminded…Didn’t
need to be reminded…