Translation please.

No. He didn't actually mean it was a good idea.

No. I apparently got it all wrong.

You see, what he really meant was that maybe I should try and then fail.

Or maybe that I could succeed but that there should be someone to buy the furniture as she said.

So now I'm stuck with a house, a brother, and a nice size pool.

And although I can say alhamdulillah and be happy, I must now step up project Mawadeh. The search for him must begin anew and now with a stronger sense of urgency and desperation.

Now it really begins.

Friends, look harder before I do something a little crazy.

I have half a mind to ask someone to just do it for the relative comfort of at least a good while.

That's what friends are for, right? Marriage by default?

I really like writing random, obscure things.

I also really love Elizabeth Gaskell.

And you, secret reader.

And you, voice in my head. I am particularly fond of you.

Ramblings in the night

And what, exactly, would you have me say?

I was and am sometimes stupid?
I still think about the past from time to time and realize those faulty moves and useless hints?
That I still fight the very thought of his grabbing my hand when least expected?
That as much as I try, the back of my mind still houses that dumb hope girls learn to rely on?

I am sorry it is this way.

I am trying to remove the feeling.

But there is only so much a girl can do when moving to Alaska isn't really an option.

It's all good in the end though, right?

Alhamdulillah.

Reading your words like a watermelon jolly rancher: slowly letting it melt on my tongue lasting for hours.

New list

Again, I wish to write and while writing, number my thoughts.

1. I got yelled at for not being married the other day. We were having a conversation unrelated to my own personal problems when the explosion happened. I get it; really, I do. But I can't help it now. I am trying; honestly, I am.

2. I bought a house. My mom is mad. Not because she doesn't want me to own real estate, but because I should be married before investing in said property. I get it; really I do. But if I'm going to be single, I may as well make some smart purchases, right?

3. I am not excited about my house anymore. I mean, ALHAMDULILLAH for EVERYTHING. I am sincerely content with all that I have and all that I have been blessed to experience. Alhamdulillah. However, I am now second guessing my choices. First of all, it took so long to actually purchase the home. Second, my mother is now making me sound like I'm a little stupid in this plan. Again, I get it; really, I do. But I can't do anything about it now. It's done. Now I must live there...for three years. And I must pray to find the man who will live with me, as my husband, insha'Allah.

4. What would be absolutely, utterly fantastic and amazing would be to find the man and get that ball rolling before I actually move in. Then my mom, my dad, and my nafs would be satisfied.

5. I am not holding my breathe for number four.

6. I am not boy crazy, alhamdulillah. I never really did anything bad. Alhamdulillah, I was, and am, I think, a good girl. And yet, here I am....waiting.

7. I make dua for the right man all the time. I ask for him at the right time. I ask that he be kareem, latif, salih, and sabir (generous, kind, righteous, and patient).

8. Those would make awesome names for sons should I have any (insha'Allah).

9. This whole post is all related. In retrospect, it all sounds stupid. I am not sure I want to post it, though I will because I no longer feel I have anything to hide. Too old to care, and it seems like all I think about anymore.

10. I still want this to be my year. I am doing all I can to make it happen. Though what I do can only be part of the equation, at least I will feel satisfied with the results if I try. wa Allahu alam.

11. I think I will travel to Libya next year insha'Allah. I'm for real this time, though it all depends on all that happens from now til then.

12. I would also like to make Hajj, but mother reminds me that I should just get married first and then go with the hubby dearest. Okay, mom.

13. There is another ache in my heart for my bros. There is a loss of iman that breaks my heart. Not just my biological brothers and not just the brothers either; my sisters are in need of some iman boost too.

14. I have been listening to Islamic talks more and more and taking their ideas to heart more and more. I sometimes think about different things at random times. I feel like I don't know anything completely, but I do reflect on what I learn.

15. I am not sure if I'm really ready for school to start. I have a lot to do to get ready for next week. Insha'Allah I'll get it all done.

16. I am going to visit a relative who lives about an hour and a half away tomorrow. I need a driver to take me there and back so I can work on my course materials. Or better yet, someone else can do the work and I'll drive! :)

17. I am really tired. When I started typing, I didn't think I'd be able to stop. Now I can barely keep my eyes open.

18. I am confused about things. I thought I knew the way it was. I thought it was crystal clear. I was wrong. I am as confused as ever.

19. I feel stronger in my iman. Alhamdulillah. I have faith that all will turn out for the best. I just wish the best would get here soon, insha'Allah!

20. Alhamdulillah.

21. Alhamdulillah.

22. Alhamdulillah!

Thank you, Jane Austen.

"'Well,' said Charlotte, 'I wish Jane success with all my heart; and if she were married to him to-morrow, I should think she had as good a chance of happiness as if she were to be studying his character for a twelvemonth. Happiness in marriage is entirely a matter of chance. If the dispositions of the parties are ever so well known to each other or ever so similar beforehand, it does not advance their felicity in the least. They always continue to grow sufficiently unlike afterwards to have their share of vexation; and it is better to know as little as possible of the defects of the person with whom you are to pass your life.'"

-from Pride and Prejudice by Jane Austen

Ramadan Mubarak!

There are a few things I want to really accomplish this month, insha'Allah.

1. Eat healthy, eat light, eat right. Not just because it is better for us, but most importantly, it is the Sunnah of the Prophet (peace be upon him). Which leads to...

2. Do more actions that are sunnah. Whether it be reciting certain surahs in a day or even just saying specific dua that he (peace be upon him) used to say. The little Husn-ul-Muslim book (and super awesome iphone app) are my go to source for completing this goal.

3. Study the Quran. Every year the goal is just to read the Quran from cover to cover. This year I want to really study the Quran rather than just reading. I've been listening to the Brother Nouman Ali Khan's tafseer of Juz Amma and must say (for probably the umpteenth time) that it is AMAZING masha'Allah! And now his partner in the Bayyinah Program, Shaykh Abdul Nasir Jangda, is completing Juz Tabarak. It's all free online at www.bayyinah.org/podcast, or itunes, and www.muslimmatters.org. Definitely worth checking out, masha'Allah.

4. Do more volunteer work. Whether it is something at the Masjid, helping out a friend, or working at food bank, I want to give back a little more. I want to make sure that I am working hard to give back.

The goal in all of this is to build good habits. I want to make sure that even when Ramadan is over, the spirit still lives. I want to make sure that I don't miss out on the small deeds and that I do them consistently. Insha'Allah.

There are more goals, like the husband hunt is still on of course, but it's late and it's better to leave some things for tomorrow. :)

May Allah bless and guide us all during this holy month and always. May He accept all of our worship and repentance.

Oh Allah, give us the best in this life, the best in the next life, and protect us from Hell. Ameen.

After praying my Maghrib today, it was as if I've never really prayed before. I have looked at the meanings before. I have studied my prayer. But it has been too long since I put such consideration into practice. When the child made a comment about her prayer, I thought to myself "Yeah right, kid!" I thought that maybe she was just young and easily impressionable. I was sitting in a class all weekend because I wanted it to happen to me, yet I found myself skeptical of someone else's enlightenment and unwilling almost to make it happen for myself. I know my prayer at maghrib was still not perfect. I realize that I still need to muster up the humility I should display in front of my Creator. I also know that I have never really prayed, never truly connected in prayer like I did today. Alhamdulillah.

Nancy Sinatra Bang Bang

I was blind and he was sure
We talked about feeding the poor
He stood tall and I felt proud
He would sometimes help me out
Bang bang
I just fell down
Bang bang
I don’t know how
Bang bang
He stole my heart
Bang bang
All my love gone out

I dreamed of a fictional Judy Garland movie and being late on the first day of school. I must really be worried about school. And I apparently have a secret affinity for Judy Garland. Who knew?