Come knocking at my door
Surely I’ll answer
If only you’d knock at my door
I’m dying to answer

Don’t wait
Come on in
The door is gone
am I?

Pieces of dreams

I keep having the weirdest dreams.

Sometimes my brother is in my dream. I can't stop dreaming about him. I've had dreams about him for a while. Only now do they make sense. Only now are they my actual fears.

Sometimes my dreams are about other people who have hurt me. I remember why I loved/liked them at one point. But the feeling of hurt returns after a moment. Maybe it's a sign to stay clear of them.

Sometimes my dreams are just the things I fear. Sometimes it's what I wish wouldn't happen, but will happen anyway. I'm not totally without hope. I live on. But I know my dreams have changed, reality hit hard.

***

I sat with him in the car. He was married. I was momentarily happy. I quickly filled with emptiness. I remember I nearly hate him. I remember why. I am momentarily happy.

***

There was alcohol in the backseat. Dark glass beer bottles. He shrugs. No big deal. Not really for him. For the other guy. What can you do?

Something else in the bag bothers me. I don't remember what it is. I remember it was in a large clear bottle. Maybe plastic. It made me furious. What can I do?

***

I ran away. I didn't tell anyone. I took a flight out of town. I would have enjoyed it if my conscience had not made me feel bad. It was so realistic. Doing something drastic; regretting it mildly.

***

***

***

I have resolved myselft to a life of sadness, though filled with moments of happiness. I know.

Last night I had the most brilliant post in my head....
I didn't write it down...
I've forgotten...

Actually...

I can't let that be the last thing I let myself write. I am not like that. As a matter of fact, I almost want to delete it all. I can't. I also won't let myself be that. I won't be the person to delete it as if it never happened. It did. It was. Now we are what we are. Each individual grows. But "With every hardship is ease," as Allah promises. "Verily with every hardship is ease." Oh Allah I pray to you to show me what is good in this trial and make the ease come soon for my family.

******

Chicago was fun, alhamdulillah. I was too busy to enjoy the actual city, but to see my friends again made it worth it, insha'Allah.

The highlight: flying. SubhanAllah, it was so easy. This was the first time I've flown alone and only the second time I've flown in my life. It was so easy, I'm already planning to take another trip (okay, so I don't know when or where, I just know I've gotta get out of this town that makes me so strong therefore so weak). To see the sky, the sunrise, the clouds; how could anyone deny an existence greater than ourselves? SubhanAllah. It's so cliche, but I enjoyed watching the world grow smaller and my dependence on Allah grow greater.

I made dua while in the plane, for the dua of the traveler is accepted insha'Allah. I prayed for everything I could think of. I wrote it all down. It only seems real when I write it down. May Allah accept my prayers and bless my family. Oh Allah guide us.

just think of the clouds....just think of the clouds....just think of the clouds....

It's not easy to lie.
"Everything's okay"

It's not easy to pretend.
"Surely things will change for the better and this will all be a bad 5-minutes to a good 24 hours."

It's not easy to be left behind.

I left for two days, but he left us while I was gone.

Oh and it stings like I can't explain. I do believe it will work out in the end. I say it to all around me. But my eyes burn with hate and despise. And now I cry for what was lost. I hate him. I love him too strongly to let him do this to us.

It hurts right here, right here where i pretend to be okay. Right here is where the pain resignates and expands into a gaping hole i fear all can see. This is where my heart used to be. This is where my confidence used to lie. Now, all that's left is the shell.

all that is left is weak