There is a big hole in my being. I can't fill it. I can't ignore it.
There is a smaller gap in my existence. It can be filled. It has to be ignored.
Void. Cold. Bare.
Scared. Alone. Weak.
Fake. Empty. Blank.
Stronger than you think; Weaker than I believe.
Deperate. Sad. Open.
"I'm fine, alhamdulillah."
It is scary to be so frank. It is good to have a venue to be so real. It is unbelievably relieving to just write the words though I can never say them aloud. This is only one way I exist, this blog. This is the way that I am able to exist in real life. Here I don't have to pretend. Here I don't have to be anything. Here I just am. Though this is not the complete ME.
Saturday, August 11, 2007
COLD
It's like the wind was knocked out of me.
AGAIN.
I could hardly breath. I didn't know whether to smile or resume my normal stance. Should I smile, reply? Should I let him hug me though I am so angry I could spit in his face? Should I look him in the eye and tell him how I feel now?
No.
Instead, when he gave me that have hug with his hand on my side, I could barely look at him. I was there in a crowd of people and I barely looked at him. I let him hug me. I let him say salams to me. I gave him a brownie and then let him walk away from me.
I stood there talking to people, selling the rest of the cookies and brownies and pizza. I talked to people casually. But my mind was with him. He shook the ground beneath me. His presence sent me somewhere else. The tears nearly gave it all away. But I can't be so clear in front of so many. Instead, I just stood there and let the world pass by as I gasped for breath.
My brother broke my heart, my trust, my love. However, I'm the one suffering.
I let him walk away. AGAIN.
AGAIN.
I could hardly breath. I didn't know whether to smile or resume my normal stance. Should I smile, reply? Should I let him hug me though I am so angry I could spit in his face? Should I look him in the eye and tell him how I feel now?
No.
Instead, when he gave me that have hug with his hand on my side, I could barely look at him. I was there in a crowd of people and I barely looked at him. I let him hug me. I let him say salams to me. I gave him a brownie and then let him walk away from me.
I stood there talking to people, selling the rest of the cookies and brownies and pizza. I talked to people casually. But my mind was with him. He shook the ground beneath me. His presence sent me somewhere else. The tears nearly gave it all away. But I can't be so clear in front of so many. Instead, I just stood there and let the world pass by as I gasped for breath.
My brother broke my heart, my trust, my love. However, I'm the one suffering.
I let him walk away. AGAIN.
Thursday, August 02, 2007
As the world turns...
The beginning:
I quit my job. I turned around and walked out of the door, forward to new thresholds, new experiences. I decided to move on. Bitter I don't want to be. Clear hatred I never to emit. Despise I never want to do. So I had to leave. Sometimes you have to leave in order to move forward. I felt that I had to walk away in order to ever walk back in. I haven't left them in the dust. I haven't left them alone. But they just won't see me everyday. Maybe it's a good thing. Last year was the worst year I've ever had. This is my year of sorrow...it hasn't really stopped yet, though I'm momentarily happy. Alhamdulillah for everything.
Friday:
On the bus with fifty kids on the way to our summer school field trip, my phone rang, I didn't recognize the number so I thought it was a parent. It wasn't: Union HS, interview, Monday morning.
Thirty minutes later I recieved a second phone call: Broken Arrow offered me a job teaching junior and senior ELL (English language learners) English classes. I didn't really want this job. At the second interview, the lady (principal maybe?) answered all the questions for me. Yeah, super annoying! I kept checking my watch wondering if I could just let her finish the interview for me! :) I tentatively accepted, feeling deceptive all the while.
Monday:
Interview went well. After spending an entire weekend with about sixty girls at the Masjid in OKC, I was finally asleep in my own bed. How comfy it was, I almost didn't get up. I rolled out of bed, put any decent thing I could find on and went on to my interview thinking that I didn't care whether or not I got it; sleep deprivation will do that to ya. I made dua anyway.
The interview was awesome, alhamdulillah. I liked the panel that interviewed me. I was at ease (well, I generally am, confidence is not usually lacking). I spoke with passion (I almost can't help it when I talk about teaching). I was honest. I told them BA waited for my response. I asked to be told one way or the other ASAP. With many interviews later that day, they'd probably call early in the morning.
Two hours later I landed the job. Alhamdulillah.
Now:
Peace will always be in my heart, on my mind, and part of my being. I have yet to give it up completely. Everything I can supply from my new post, I shall.
Meanwhile, my education must grow. My experiences must blossom. I must become better at being everything I want. It's all in my grasp now, insha'Allah. I just have to take it all. I am excited. I am deeply saddened. I can't explain it all. Too many things all at once have successfully weighed me down. Alhamdulillah for a job at least. Now I can go to school (THEY PAY $75 A SEMESTER HOUR!!!!!!! :) and finish everything I want, insha'Allah.
Future:
I have a plan. I'm putting it into action. I can't explain now. I will. Just better when somethings have already been accomplished insha'Allah.
Alhamdulillah. Alhamdulillah. Alhamdulillah!
REALITY CHECK: I am happy to have a job. I HAVE A JOB!!! ALHAMDULILLAH :)
I quit my job. I turned around and walked out of the door, forward to new thresholds, new experiences. I decided to move on. Bitter I don't want to be. Clear hatred I never to emit. Despise I never want to do. So I had to leave. Sometimes you have to leave in order to move forward. I felt that I had to walk away in order to ever walk back in. I haven't left them in the dust. I haven't left them alone. But they just won't see me everyday. Maybe it's a good thing. Last year was the worst year I've ever had. This is my year of sorrow...it hasn't really stopped yet, though I'm momentarily happy. Alhamdulillah for everything.
Friday:
On the bus with fifty kids on the way to our summer school field trip, my phone rang, I didn't recognize the number so I thought it was a parent. It wasn't: Union HS, interview, Monday morning.
Thirty minutes later I recieved a second phone call: Broken Arrow offered me a job teaching junior and senior ELL (English language learners) English classes. I didn't really want this job. At the second interview, the lady (principal maybe?) answered all the questions for me. Yeah, super annoying! I kept checking my watch wondering if I could just let her finish the interview for me! :) I tentatively accepted, feeling deceptive all the while.
Monday:
Interview went well. After spending an entire weekend with about sixty girls at the Masjid in OKC, I was finally asleep in my own bed. How comfy it was, I almost didn't get up. I rolled out of bed, put any decent thing I could find on and went on to my interview thinking that I didn't care whether or not I got it; sleep deprivation will do that to ya. I made dua anyway.
The interview was awesome, alhamdulillah. I liked the panel that interviewed me. I was at ease (well, I generally am, confidence is not usually lacking). I spoke with passion (I almost can't help it when I talk about teaching). I was honest. I told them BA waited for my response. I asked to be told one way or the other ASAP. With many interviews later that day, they'd probably call early in the morning.
Two hours later I landed the job. Alhamdulillah.
Now:
Peace will always be in my heart, on my mind, and part of my being. I have yet to give it up completely. Everything I can supply from my new post, I shall.
Meanwhile, my education must grow. My experiences must blossom. I must become better at being everything I want. It's all in my grasp now, insha'Allah. I just have to take it all. I am excited. I am deeply saddened. I can't explain it all. Too many things all at once have successfully weighed me down. Alhamdulillah for a job at least. Now I can go to school (THEY PAY $75 A SEMESTER HOUR!!!!!!! :) and finish everything I want, insha'Allah.
Future:
I have a plan. I'm putting it into action. I can't explain now. I will. Just better when somethings have already been accomplished insha'Allah.
Alhamdulillah. Alhamdulillah. Alhamdulillah!
REALITY CHECK: I am happy to have a job. I HAVE A JOB!!! ALHAMDULILLAH :)
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