Shouting at the top of my lungs

Don't ask me to speak.

I will not speak now;
even the deaf could hear the bitterness in my voice.

Disappointment......but not despair

I'm not going to Libya this summer...I have been saving for so long. I have been dreaming for longer. But even now at 23 I've never been and only dream of going. I am not giving up though. I am going to send my Baba insha'Allah, but my dream of going this summer is crushing. I nearly cried (from the girl who never admits to crying, that's saying a lot). Every time I think about it, I just want to cry. I know that my family could not handle both of us going (Baba and I) but I was determined to go this summer. It is not simply a matter of money (I was going to pay for my Baba and I to go), it's that my brothers, sisters, and step-mom could not handle things alone with Baba and the oldest daughter so many miles away. At least I can realized it myself...I would have died if someone else had to break it to me.

I was determined to go, but Allah had other plans...and I'm realizing how impossible the dream for this year was.

I am not giving up though. I will send my father this summer, and insha'Allah I will go during the winter break. That way I will get to experience Eid there and be able to stay for a month. Insha'Allah my dream will come true and I will finally see the land my father grew up on, the family that I never knew, the culture I wish to have; I'll be able to call myself Libyan and know what it really means.

Insha'Allah...I'll keep making dua...I'll keep saving...I'll remain satisfied...insha'Allah

Silence

Some things you just can't say out loud.

"My marriage is failing," only costs you denial as your world falls apart.
"Your commitment is dying," costs you the safety of false security.
"I'm leaving," will cost you the trip as you reconsider the life.

Sometimes you just can't say things out loud.

"Forgive me...I'm sorry," will cost you face.
"I love you," seems too weak to express it as you lose your constancy.

Sometimes you just don't say things out loud

for fear of ruining it
for fear of losing it
for fear of feeling it
for fear of recognizing it
for fear of hurting others
for fear of understanding it
for fear of fear

Because sometimes it's easier to NOT say it out loud!

And the beat keeps running...

Things I've done:

• Went to a teacher workshop on reading...but have yet to successfully incorporate all of the material just yet.
• Went to an Islamic concert...and almost fell asleep as I drove home late a night.
• Lost more than 5 pounds...all because I've given up Diet Coke (I can't believe I made the concious decision to do so) and exercise nearly everyday.

Things I wish to do:

• Run 10 laps in the gym without stopping to catch my breath after every 2 laps.
• Keep up my exercise routine...it makes me feel good.
• Learn more everyday...

I just turned 23 the other day...of course you don't feel different overnight, but I know I'm older. I expect to grow and learn differently than before. I've also come the realization that I am no long in the 'youth' category. That's just weird. But then again, I'm fine with that now that I feel like more of a leader than just a follower. I've also thought about my mother (Allah yarhamha-May Allah have mercy upon her). She died at only 39...I'm more than halfway there...but then again I could die younger...Just a fleeting thought that flutters through my mind at random moments...

Alhamdulillah for my family, all my friends everywhere, my mind, my life. Alhamdulillah for everything.