Today, I danced with the elementary students! It was super fun!!! We did a "Ohmigosh, I'm so happy it's snowing" dance outside after I overplayed (screamed with joy along with silly kids) the first snowflake I saw. I've never felt so alive! :)
I'm gonna go back to school and get my certification in Elementary Education also. I love little kids...I think!
Wednesday, December 07, 2005
Monday, December 05, 2005
Ohmigosh!
My hamster may be pregnant! What am I gonna do???? This will be fun to explain. I've already gotten questions: "Hey, teacher, how is it pregnant? Where is her husband? Doesn't it take two?"
Ohmigosh, won't this be fun?!
Ohmigosh, won't this be fun?!
Sunday, December 04, 2005
Fear
I wonder what they will do if I ever move out of this place? Who will get my room? And most importantly, what will I do with all my junk??? :)
I thought of that this morning and was holding it inside until I could write it on my blog. Well, now it looks kinda silly, but I've promised myself I'd write it. And more importantly, I've promised myself not to delete anything I write. I deem it blogger ethics: If a blog is truly representative of my feelings and thoughts at any particular moment, then I, the blogger, cannot by any means erase my feelings and therefore must not delete any of those thoughts as put on paper (or in this case, electronic format). Also, if a blog is truly representative of my feelings and thoughts at any particular moment, then any one post will likely be contradicted by another post because of the ambiguity of the author's feelings. Further, the blog will act like a journal of deeds and thoughts and actions to be used by the author and potential readers as lessons to learn from: take from what is good (alhamdulillah) and make not the same mistakes as the author.
And so, I now fear that I have written things that may cause grief or pain. I fear that I may have transcribed feelings that should be left intimately my own. I fear that I am wrong. But should that be so, I will not delete. I will not censure my feelings or thoughts. For, I swear, sometimes they just fall from my fingertips and I don't even know I am writing. Sometimes, they are lifted from my mind and placed in full view. And this scares me. But it is this fear that I must face. For if you know me, you now know me well. And if you do not, you know me better than most. I fear hurting others and myself. Above all I think I fear silence.
And silent I am not.
I thought of that this morning and was holding it inside until I could write it on my blog. Well, now it looks kinda silly, but I've promised myself I'd write it. And more importantly, I've promised myself not to delete anything I write. I deem it blogger ethics: If a blog is truly representative of my feelings and thoughts at any particular moment, then I, the blogger, cannot by any means erase my feelings and therefore must not delete any of those thoughts as put on paper (or in this case, electronic format). Also, if a blog is truly representative of my feelings and thoughts at any particular moment, then any one post will likely be contradicted by another post because of the ambiguity of the author's feelings. Further, the blog will act like a journal of deeds and thoughts and actions to be used by the author and potential readers as lessons to learn from: take from what is good (alhamdulillah) and make not the same mistakes as the author.
And so, I now fear that I have written things that may cause grief or pain. I fear that I may have transcribed feelings that should be left intimately my own. I fear that I am wrong. But should that be so, I will not delete. I will not censure my feelings or thoughts. For, I swear, sometimes they just fall from my fingertips and I don't even know I am writing. Sometimes, they are lifted from my mind and placed in full view. And this scares me. But it is this fear that I must face. For if you know me, you now know me well. And if you do not, you know me better than most. I fear hurting others and myself. Above all I think I fear silence.
And silent I am not.
Why?
Because sometimes more than anything you wanna be held.
Because sometimes, more than anything, you wanna be true to more than just your minds.
Because sometimes your heart just bleeds and it is beyond your ability, beyond your desire to let it stop.
Because sometimes you miss her presence even though you have forgotten.
Because sometimes it hurts to realize what you’ve forgotten.
Because your whole world seems wrong.
Because you’ve tried to do everything right but you’re not where you thought you’d be.
Because there is a little piece of ocean inside of me that no one sees.
Because that little piece is a big burden.
Because I wanna let go.
Because I am afraid of I don’t know what.
Because to others I am the boulder.
Because I can’t have.
Because I’m not true though I’m the most down-to-earth.
Because I’m conceited.
Because I’m not sure but I make sure you think I am.
Because I’m scared of next year.
Because I loved of love and lost the feeling.
Because I fear I’ve missed my chance.
Because I want to hold hands.
Because I made stupid mistakes.
Because I like being alone.
Because I drive at night to no where just to be alone under the stars where nothing can reproach me or make me rigid.
Because I’m the youngest, yet the strongest.
Because I’m the oldest.
Because I was the only girl.
Because I loved and thought.
Because I’m lost inside my thoughts.
Because tomorrow I will face the world and pretend I am okay.
Because I am okay.
Because I have all that I really need.
Because I am blessed.
Because I have more than others.
Because even when I am sad I cannot allow myself the luxury of tears.
Because even when the pangs of fright are near I cannot allow them to be cause of my display of weakness.
Because they’ll read what’s in my head.
Because they’ll not understand.
Because I’m freer now than I’ve ever been.
Because I’m tired.
Because I need to leave.
Because I wish to go on.
Because sometimes more than anything, you wish.
Because sometimes life is made upon wishes.
Because it’s hard to see beyond the glasses.
Because sometimes what you want makes you feel worse.
Because not knowing something is horrible.
Because it’s never your voice on the other end.
Because I thought if I really wanted something I would have it then and there.
Because I don’t want to hear about it.
Because this time it’s for me.
Because I will allow myself to be detached.
Because the facts of my childhood have become the fiction of my adulthood.
Because I write letters to anyone and never send them.
Because sometimes being obvious is wrong.
Because I can’t stop writing.
Because I can’t get it outta my head.
Because I feel trapped.
Because I despise him.
Because I just needed backup.
Because I want to be fought over.
Because I want to respect.
Because I want to sleep in late.
Because I want to dance.
Because I want to be surprised.
Because I need time alone.
Because I need my own time.
Because I’ve become numb.
Because I’m rotting on the inside.
Because I’m in pain.
Because I’ve let people down.
Because I’ve let myself down.
Because I’m falling.
Because I should give more of me.
Because sometimes I’m incoherent.
Because sometimes I laugh too much.
Because I’m a helpless romantic.
Because I’m hard as stone.
Because I’d melt like wax.
Because someone’s hands could mold me.
Because I want to be great.
Because I cannot give it all.
Because I write forever.
Because I fear what I feel.
Because sometimes writing makes it all clear.
Because sometimes reading helps make sense of it all.
Because sometimes I confuse even myself.
Because they laughed at me.
Because my point was valid.
Because I never falter to have an opinion since then.
Because I fear the mediocre.
Because I write to feel better.
Because I can only be what I am.
Because I cannot cry.
Because I am weak.
Because I appear strong.
Because this fearful soul is fearless.
Just because I am.
Because sometimes, more than anything, you wanna be true to more than just your minds.
Because sometimes your heart just bleeds and it is beyond your ability, beyond your desire to let it stop.
Because sometimes you miss her presence even though you have forgotten.
Because sometimes it hurts to realize what you’ve forgotten.
Because your whole world seems wrong.
Because you’ve tried to do everything right but you’re not where you thought you’d be.
Because there is a little piece of ocean inside of me that no one sees.
Because that little piece is a big burden.
Because I wanna let go.
Because I am afraid of I don’t know what.
Because to others I am the boulder.
Because I can’t have.
Because I’m not true though I’m the most down-to-earth.
Because I’m conceited.
Because I’m not sure but I make sure you think I am.
Because I’m scared of next year.
Because I loved of love and lost the feeling.
Because I fear I’ve missed my chance.
Because I want to hold hands.
Because I made stupid mistakes.
Because I like being alone.
Because I drive at night to no where just to be alone under the stars where nothing can reproach me or make me rigid.
Because I’m the youngest, yet the strongest.
Because I’m the oldest.
Because I was the only girl.
Because I loved and thought.
Because I’m lost inside my thoughts.
Because tomorrow I will face the world and pretend I am okay.
Because I am okay.
Because I have all that I really need.
Because I am blessed.
Because I have more than others.
Because even when I am sad I cannot allow myself the luxury of tears.
Because even when the pangs of fright are near I cannot allow them to be cause of my display of weakness.
Because they’ll read what’s in my head.
Because they’ll not understand.
Because I’m freer now than I’ve ever been.
Because I’m tired.
Because I need to leave.
Because I wish to go on.
Because sometimes more than anything, you wish.
Because sometimes life is made upon wishes.
Because it’s hard to see beyond the glasses.
Because sometimes what you want makes you feel worse.
Because not knowing something is horrible.
Because it’s never your voice on the other end.
Because I thought if I really wanted something I would have it then and there.
Because I don’t want to hear about it.
Because this time it’s for me.
Because I will allow myself to be detached.
Because the facts of my childhood have become the fiction of my adulthood.
Because I write letters to anyone and never send them.
Because sometimes being obvious is wrong.
Because I can’t stop writing.
Because I can’t get it outta my head.
Because I feel trapped.
Because I despise him.
Because I just needed backup.
Because I want to be fought over.
Because I want to respect.
Because I want to sleep in late.
Because I want to dance.
Because I want to be surprised.
Because I need time alone.
Because I need my own time.
Because I’ve become numb.
Because I’m rotting on the inside.
Because I’m in pain.
Because I’ve let people down.
Because I’ve let myself down.
Because I’m falling.
Because I should give more of me.
Because sometimes I’m incoherent.
Because sometimes I laugh too much.
Because I’m a helpless romantic.
Because I’m hard as stone.
Because I’d melt like wax.
Because someone’s hands could mold me.
Because I want to be great.
Because I cannot give it all.
Because I write forever.
Because I fear what I feel.
Because sometimes writing makes it all clear.
Because sometimes reading helps make sense of it all.
Because sometimes I confuse even myself.
Because they laughed at me.
Because my point was valid.
Because I never falter to have an opinion since then.
Because I fear the mediocre.
Because I write to feel better.
Because I can only be what I am.
Because I cannot cry.
Because I am weak.
Because I appear strong.
Because this fearful soul is fearless.
Just because I am.
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