i hate you but i don't really hate i hate that the day ends before six i hate that i have to write to feel better i hate the dust that gets in the corners of rooms i hate brothers i hate that i try to hate but am nearly incapable of hating i hate that i can't stay mad i hate punctuation i hate capitalization i hate this place i hate my stupid hot cocoa i hate this world i hate my car i hate myself for parking my car under the line after washing it i hate cleaning my room i hate that i am running out of ideas of what i hate i hate that the plug isn't working and my computer is going to die i hate school though it is still vacation i hate credit card i hate stores i hate the mall i hate stupid bimbos i hate emotionally unavailable men i hate emotionally unavailable women i hate myself though not really i hate that i am not that hateful though writing about hate is quite relaxing
i hate this moment but i love the hate in this moment
Monday, December 31, 2007
I wouldn't say I don't care
I wouldn't say I hate you
I wouldn't say I hate you either
I wouldn't call you
I wouldn't look at you
I wouldn't touch you
I would adore him
I would help him
I would please him
I would hurt myself
I would bleed
I would cry
I won't think about you
I won't speak of you
I won't ask you
I won't go there
I won't sit there
I won't be there
or here
or anywhere really
I wouldn't say I hate you
I wouldn't say I hate you either
I wouldn't call you
I wouldn't look at you
I wouldn't touch you
I would adore him
I would help him
I would please him
I would hurt myself
I would bleed
I would cry
I won't think about you
I won't speak of you
I won't ask you
I won't go there
I won't sit there
I won't be there
or here
or anywhere really
Sunday, December 30, 2007
Dizzy
I'm so dizzy right now, but I don't want to miss the chance to feel the amazing sun on my face, the cool breeze on my skin, the warmth from within.
I'm so dizzy right now, but I think I'll risk it.
If you see me collapsed on the side of the road (or just running in circles), just tell the doctor that I simply needed to run in the sun.
I'm so dizzy right now, but I think I'll risk it.
If you see me collapsed on the side of the road (or just running in circles), just tell the doctor that I simply needed to run in the sun.
Saturday, December 29, 2007
Past Perusals
December 21
1:21 p.m.
Who knew that December, apart from being icy and cold, is also wedding season?
On Saturday, December 15, I went to a wedding at the Masjid for a friend of mine. Khylilah and Karimu were married at a small ceremony in a room at the Masjid. The decorations were lovely and the atmosphere familiar. It was a nice wedding masha’Allah. Funny thing: Rasheeda (Khylilah’s sister and a dear friend) forgot the favors at their house. So I volunteered to drive across town to get them. Needless to say (since it was a Muslim wedding) we started an hour late.
Sunday, December 16 brought with it the delight of the nikah of Alia and Mohamad. Engaged for nearly a year and half, the young couple have moved on to this more serious step. Masha’Allah, they are so happy together and blessed to be together.
Last night, Sunday, December 23, I went to a Pakistani wedding. Nohaiyah and Adeel were married at a traditional desi-fied hotel ballroom. Of course the invitation said to be there at 7, I showed up at 9. I was still early.
This coming Wednesday, December 26, I have another wedding event to attend. This ceremony will be held for another frien, Sarah. This is her second wedding, so I pray that Allah bless this union for her and makes things easy for her future. There will be lots and lots of dancing at this wedding, so I’m excited.
Now I must go back in time to the beginning of the month. You see, before any of these weddings happened, another exciting event happened in our family. On Saturday, December 8, my brother Adam was engaged to Samah. They’re both young and happy and in love, masha’Allah. They’ve sort of grew up together and our families both know each other since way back when. It is a relief to finally have them matched up (yeah, it wasn’t always easy) and it’s nice to see that such happy endings (beginnings, rather) do happen. I wish them well (I always liked Samah-and kinda liked Adam :) and look forward to the wedding planning. Did I mention nieces and nephews? ;) So the wedding is planned for the summer (insha’Allah), but nothing’s set in stone. This will be an interesting next 6 months. Alhamdulillah it’s all off to a great start.
***************************************************************
December 27, 2007
6:40 a.m.
I pushed it out with my tongue.
The tooth fell gently, without struggle.
I held it in my hand.
I twisted it between my thumb and index finger.
The tooth looked strong, deceivingly so.
I lamented the loss of my friend.
***
I wonder if it is really my tooth that is keeping me awake right now. I mean it hurts like the dickens, but it may be more. The tooth that fell out in my dream is not the same tooth (teeth rather) that hurts. I know I am not supposed to tell bad dreams (so they say); I know that this one must have a “bad” meaning. I don’t care. I don’t put much in dreams. I don’t really believe in my dreams. I mean, come on. My teeth hurt, I dream of my tooth falling out. Logical (Freud may say emotional).
***
I don’t want to move on.
The other side of loneliness is a scary place.
I don’t really want to go there by myself.
I’d like to visit with a friend, but I hear they frown upon bringing a date.
***
Last night I danced my butt off! AND I got a number! Okay, not quite. Some ladies are trying to hook me up with a Moroccan in New York. I gave her my email address, but I didn’t really want to. I know how I am. I know what I’ll do. I’ll sabotage myself and every chance I’ll get. Emails don’t work for me. Long distances don’t work for me. Meeting new men doesn’t work for me. It’s not that I don’t want to (is it?). I mean it can’t be (can it?). I want to settle down (don’t I?). I do. I’m actually starting to want kids. I mean, me! Me, the girl who has a million and one reasons why NOT to have children. I am starting to really WANT kids (thanks to my best friends for bringing baby fever to Tulsa). I know something is really wrong with me (okay, most people know there’s something wrong with me ;), I just don’t know how to fix it, what to do with it, how to get on with it. Did I mention I have to start email correspondence with a stranger? Dude, this sucks!
****
1:21 p.m.
Who knew that December, apart from being icy and cold, is also wedding season?
On Saturday, December 15, I went to a wedding at the Masjid for a friend of mine. Khylilah and Karimu were married at a small ceremony in a room at the Masjid. The decorations were lovely and the atmosphere familiar. It was a nice wedding masha’Allah. Funny thing: Rasheeda (Khylilah’s sister and a dear friend) forgot the favors at their house. So I volunteered to drive across town to get them. Needless to say (since it was a Muslim wedding) we started an hour late.
Sunday, December 16 brought with it the delight of the nikah of Alia and Mohamad. Engaged for nearly a year and half, the young couple have moved on to this more serious step. Masha’Allah, they are so happy together and blessed to be together.
Last night, Sunday, December 23, I went to a Pakistani wedding. Nohaiyah and Adeel were married at a traditional desi-fied hotel ballroom. Of course the invitation said to be there at 7, I showed up at 9. I was still early.
This coming Wednesday, December 26, I have another wedding event to attend. This ceremony will be held for another frien, Sarah. This is her second wedding, so I pray that Allah bless this union for her and makes things easy for her future. There will be lots and lots of dancing at this wedding, so I’m excited.
Now I must go back in time to the beginning of the month. You see, before any of these weddings happened, another exciting event happened in our family. On Saturday, December 8, my brother Adam was engaged to Samah. They’re both young and happy and in love, masha’Allah. They’ve sort of grew up together and our families both know each other since way back when. It is a relief to finally have them matched up (yeah, it wasn’t always easy) and it’s nice to see that such happy endings (beginnings, rather) do happen. I wish them well (I always liked Samah-and kinda liked Adam :) and look forward to the wedding planning. Did I mention nieces and nephews? ;) So the wedding is planned for the summer (insha’Allah), but nothing’s set in stone. This will be an interesting next 6 months. Alhamdulillah it’s all off to a great start.
***************************************************************
December 27, 2007
6:40 a.m.
I pushed it out with my tongue.
The tooth fell gently, without struggle.
I held it in my hand.
I twisted it between my thumb and index finger.
The tooth looked strong, deceivingly so.
I lamented the loss of my friend.
***
I wonder if it is really my tooth that is keeping me awake right now. I mean it hurts like the dickens, but it may be more. The tooth that fell out in my dream is not the same tooth (teeth rather) that hurts. I know I am not supposed to tell bad dreams (so they say); I know that this one must have a “bad” meaning. I don’t care. I don’t put much in dreams. I don’t really believe in my dreams. I mean, come on. My teeth hurt, I dream of my tooth falling out. Logical (Freud may say emotional).
***
I don’t want to move on.
The other side of loneliness is a scary place.
I don’t really want to go there by myself.
I’d like to visit with a friend, but I hear they frown upon bringing a date.
***
Last night I danced my butt off! AND I got a number! Okay, not quite. Some ladies are trying to hook me up with a Moroccan in New York. I gave her my email address, but I didn’t really want to. I know how I am. I know what I’ll do. I’ll sabotage myself and every chance I’ll get. Emails don’t work for me. Long distances don’t work for me. Meeting new men doesn’t work for me. It’s not that I don’t want to (is it?). I mean it can’t be (can it?). I want to settle down (don’t I?). I do. I’m actually starting to want kids. I mean, me! Me, the girl who has a million and one reasons why NOT to have children. I am starting to really WANT kids (thanks to my best friends for bringing baby fever to Tulsa). I know something is really wrong with me (okay, most people know there’s something wrong with me ;), I just don’t know how to fix it, what to do with it, how to get on with it. Did I mention I have to start email correspondence with a stranger? Dude, this sucks!
****
Wednesday, December 05, 2007
ramble on dear friend, i hear you
I can't really explain much. I wish to write it often. I slept with a hole. It wasn't pleasant. I am afraid of so many things yet I have comfort in my fears.
"Not like you"
"Hotels are out of the question"
"Skipping class again?"
Coffeeshop blues
Cold feet lonesome
Reflective misery
Resignation
Tea and cocoa
"He's cute and coming."
"What happened to the last one?"
"So you're gonna let it die?"
"Haram! You can't do that to other people."
"Give them a chance."
I know what's wrong.
For now, I'll just wither away.
For now, I'll sleep.
Sleep til dawn
noon
midday.
Sleep until I wake up
at the beginning of a new world
the end of the last
the second coming
of nearly
nothing.
"Not like you"
"Hotels are out of the question"
"Skipping class again?"
Coffeeshop blues
Cold feet lonesome
Reflective misery
Resignation
Tea and cocoa
"He's cute and coming."
"What happened to the last one?"
"So you're gonna let it die?"
"Haram! You can't do that to other people."
"Give them a chance."
I know what's wrong.
For now, I'll just wither away.
For now, I'll sleep.
Sleep til dawn
noon
midday.
Sleep until I wake up
at the beginning of a new world
the end of the last
the second coming
of nearly
nothing.
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