I want my name to be
synonymous with
reliable
and
honest.

DesIring Something
other thAn what was delivered
Finding out the Past
really wasn't Pretty
and neither is the world
at your feet
In times of greatness
and times of weakness,
it is exactly what
you didn't want
and exactly what you got
I was foolish to expect
something more
when nothing was there
to begin with
Being young and
foolish is no excuse
for being asleep
when the world
stop asking us why

near the end of apathy

I am okay
and I am alright
but damn the
stubborn tears
still hot in my eyes.

I feel like she is making a mistake, and that I, in letting her make that mistake, am making an even greater mistake. He should never have hit. NEVER. But it is far more than that. I helped her leave, and I saw no problem in that at the time. But now some of the things she has said are not exactly true. I know she fears for the baby, but she has forgotten to hope for the baby. I don’t think it is fair. I don’t know what I would do in her situation. But I do think she should give it another shot. All the issues are out in the open. If he’s willing to start, shouldn’t she? Not for their own sakes, but for the baby’s? I have mixed feelings about it, but I’m really leaning towards a resolve to the problem if he is now willing to try. I think it would help to lay everything out on the table and be honest and straightforward (as they should have always been to begin with). I will have a heart-to-heart with her when I see her fact to face. Some things are too difficult to bring up over the phone. The issues of religion and the sanctity of marriage (not what I mean, but close enough). The issue of raising a child with her father and finding yourself in life. I don’t know how to say it, but I know I will. It’s my job. I wish I could talk to him. I think I will. What could it possibly hurt? I know she is afraid that he’ll take the baby and run, but I don’t see that happening. I know she is afraid to make him love the baby and have that be an issue in their possible (nearly probable) divorce. I think he should go with me to see her. I think he should have gone a long time ago. I think there is something wrong with her; something to make her think this way. She got what she wanted and then gave up on the rest. I don’t think it is right.

We still talk about marriage though. She still says she wants to find me a guy. It’s a little ironic. I told her about the guy who was talking to me while still married. She told me a similar story. It was ironic and funny. I haven’t told her that I’m seriously working on it. I’m not turning anyone away immediately. I’m giving everyone a chance. It won’t be easy for anyone, I think. But I am ready. If only I could let go.

Pseudo-date

So it was all a waste of time.
I mean I don't mind meeting people,
really one of the reasons I didn't mind
meeting someone new in an open venue,
but he already knew it was all for naught.
It's a little funny to me though.
All in all, at least I can say I did try
and I didn't just run away from a chance,
no matter how unlikely.

I drank an entire tall cup
of hot tea in an hour
WITHOUT a bit of sugar.
Ironically, I like a little tea
with my sugar. :)

He talked of himself for most of the time.
I listened.

He talked of relations with a sort of lack of respect.
I secretly despised
(for who was I to be told
what should be family secrets).

He talked of the past and failed marriage.
I listened
(knowing all too well that
it was a sort of deal breaker of sorts).

Overall, it wasn't a bad "date."
I only write so that one day
I will remember
with a little
chuckle.