New list

Again, I wish to write and while writing, number my thoughts.

1. I got yelled at for not being married the other day. We were having a conversation unrelated to my own personal problems when the explosion happened. I get it; really, I do. But I can't help it now. I am trying; honestly, I am.

2. I bought a house. My mom is mad. Not because she doesn't want me to own real estate, but because I should be married before investing in said property. I get it; really I do. But if I'm going to be single, I may as well make some smart purchases, right?

3. I am not excited about my house anymore. I mean, ALHAMDULILLAH for EVERYTHING. I am sincerely content with all that I have and all that I have been blessed to experience. Alhamdulillah. However, I am now second guessing my choices. First of all, it took so long to actually purchase the home. Second, my mother is now making me sound like I'm a little stupid in this plan. Again, I get it; really, I do. But I can't do anything about it now. It's done. Now I must live there...for three years. And I must pray to find the man who will live with me, as my husband, insha'Allah.

4. What would be absolutely, utterly fantastic and amazing would be to find the man and get that ball rolling before I actually move in. Then my mom, my dad, and my nafs would be satisfied.

5. I am not holding my breathe for number four.

6. I am not boy crazy, alhamdulillah. I never really did anything bad. Alhamdulillah, I was, and am, I think, a good girl. And yet, here I am....waiting.

7. I make dua for the right man all the time. I ask for him at the right time. I ask that he be kareem, latif, salih, and sabir (generous, kind, righteous, and patient).

8. Those would make awesome names for sons should I have any (insha'Allah).

9. This whole post is all related. In retrospect, it all sounds stupid. I am not sure I want to post it, though I will because I no longer feel I have anything to hide. Too old to care, and it seems like all I think about anymore.

10. I still want this to be my year. I am doing all I can to make it happen. Though what I do can only be part of the equation, at least I will feel satisfied with the results if I try. wa Allahu alam.

11. I think I will travel to Libya next year insha'Allah. I'm for real this time, though it all depends on all that happens from now til then.

12. I would also like to make Hajj, but mother reminds me that I should just get married first and then go with the hubby dearest. Okay, mom.

13. There is another ache in my heart for my bros. There is a loss of iman that breaks my heart. Not just my biological brothers and not just the brothers either; my sisters are in need of some iman boost too.

14. I have been listening to Islamic talks more and more and taking their ideas to heart more and more. I sometimes think about different things at random times. I feel like I don't know anything completely, but I do reflect on what I learn.

15. I am not sure if I'm really ready for school to start. I have a lot to do to get ready for next week. Insha'Allah I'll get it all done.

16. I am going to visit a relative who lives about an hour and a half away tomorrow. I need a driver to take me there and back so I can work on my course materials. Or better yet, someone else can do the work and I'll drive! :)

17. I am really tired. When I started typing, I didn't think I'd be able to stop. Now I can barely keep my eyes open.

18. I am confused about things. I thought I knew the way it was. I thought it was crystal clear. I was wrong. I am as confused as ever.

19. I feel stronger in my iman. Alhamdulillah. I have faith that all will turn out for the best. I just wish the best would get here soon, insha'Allah!

20. Alhamdulillah.

21. Alhamdulillah.

22. Alhamdulillah!