It is already tomorrow.

#1: Always think of possible titles first. Stupid Girl and the Great Pretender

#2: Always think of the sounds. The music that generally plays in my head is clown music. Think circus on steroids. But I’m anything but clown music or tiny dogs and giant cats. I am a bit more complex. I have such thoughts that drown out the madness and clear away reality.

#3: Explain who you are. I am the girl who sits in the car because it is too cold and stands in the rain because I will not melt and gazes at the river because it is constantly moving. I am the girl who watched the ferris wheel turn, counted her money, hid her purse, and then just drove away. One tear remaining in the corner of her left eye, I am the girl who helps and needs none but one. I am, indeed, the girl who can’t stand it anymore.

#4: Set goals in life. That’s it. I must decide what to do. I absolutely cannot wait helplessly or search aimlessly. Today, I was silent. I had all the thoughts in my head that I really wanted to share and write for the world to read, but I lost them all in the darkness. Sometimes when I write, all I can write are the circles that sound so good as I type them on the electric keyboard. All I really want to write, I cannot because they are too dangerous to be said aloud.

#5: Make it up as you go. I am, I think, happy most of the time. But how can I feel anything but sadness when I am left out? Do I blame them? Can I? Maybe I am always Debby-Downer when I thought I was Susie-Sunshine. Maybe all I do is complain. Maybe what I think I am, I am not. Maybe I am simply forgettable. I try to do to other what I would want done to me, but maybe I do not. THINK. Maybe when I thought I was being nice, I was just being selfish. Was I? It’s a rhetorical question. I don’t know. I know I have been left out.

#6: Shut up, you oxymoron. I am lonely standing here with all my friends. And she is leaving me behind. They all are. Do I have to search within the last generation to find a new one? Can’t do that. Maybe number two will seal the deal.

#7: Skip it, why don't ya? So what am I waiting for? I always used to have a back-up. There is not one now. Now there is despair. Not really despair, but sadness. Hollowness. Disgust. I look pretty yesterday. I was happy now. I spoke tomorrow.

#8: Think of shapes and all will be well. Circumlocution can be my best friend. But even in circles, I speak the truth. Even if you can’t understand.

#9: No harm in entertainment. I live vicariously through movies. I broke up with books ever since sea monsters came into vision.

#10: Reflect. My head hurts and I go to pray now. Be back momentarily.

#11: Never neglect to talk in your head. I just prayed for you. Not you reading, but the you I will have read this one day. I am not so desolate as to think there will not be a you, but I am not so pompous as to think that you are certain. Maybe in order to find you, I must figure out exactly who you are. But that is harder than figuring out what you are not. Let’s start there.

#12: Define others. You are not the one who chooses to be unsocial when I want to go out. You are not the guy who will not make friends. You are not the guy who can’t be polite to my friends. You are not the guy who finds religion only on the holidays. You are not the one who runs away or stays locked up. You are not the one who screams and curses. You are not the one who settles. You are not the one who forgets your family. You are not like those who give not. You are not the selfish guy or the greedy guy or the scared guy. You are not the one who belittles. You are not too proud and not too soft.

#13: What are we talking about again? So who are you exactly. I type now with my eyes closed. I am not trying to forget where I am or who I am. I am just trying to rid myself of the external factors of the room of this world. Who are you? You are proud of religion and family. You strive for excellence in faith and heart. Is language important anymore? Is race? Is my red-headed, blue-eyed reincarnation of my mother important anymore? Is education? Yes, education is most important.

#14: So what's with the number system? And where am I headed? Will I really leave? I am having a mid-mid-life crisis. I think it is likely. Absurd, but likely.

#15: It's true. Flaws aplenty: I check my email obsessively. I make up songs spur of the moment. I cannot sing worth a dime. My face feels dry right now (where’s my stinking lotion?). My shirts are sometimes to short and my pants are sometimes not loose enough. I have wanted it rainy when other will sunshine. I have laughed aloud.

#16: I think, therefore I write gibberish. But I will be going back. Maybe more pictures to become wallpaper. Maybe more deer to scare the living daylights out of me. Maybe sunrise and sunset and midday glory. Maybe better friends and happier moments. Maybe nothing but a vacation. Even that makes me smile.

#17: For real this time. Spend ten minutes everyday to call someone you haven’t talked to in a while. Write a letter to someone who will appreciate it (stripes most definitely included).

#18: That's it? I have no car stereo and only one working ear bud. Life is sometimes too good.

Understanding

The feeling
-helpless defeat-
hasn't hit for quite some time
-one, two, or three years?-
and it seems I've almost forgotten
-or so I try-
the last conquest.

The feeling
-hopeful indulgence-
hasn't bothered to visit for a while
-two, four, six months?-
and it seems I always give up
-or so I tell myself-
the first good try.

The feeling
-endearing expectation-
hasn't happened upon me just yet
-who knows when?-
and it seems I guard the door
-or so I pretend-
to the organ.

The feeling
-generous content-
has yet to visit my corner
-Oh God, let it come-
and so the world has passed me by
-all for paper and prestige-
as I wait.

Four thousand two hundred and thirty-eight miles in five days is a great distance to travel with a good friend, especially when reading about zombies, being flagged down by "ladies of the night" (only to realize they're not and you're actually on the wrong side of the street), and stopping at all the awesome Masjids on the way.

L'chaim! ;)

Dear, orange is not your color.

I came.
How could I not?
I don't hear you or see you for weeks at a time it seems.
I miss, but not this you.
The you of so long ago.

Read.
Read in the name of your Lord.

You don't like to read?

Knowledge.

Iman.

Have they left your heart completely?

Tawba.

Taqwa.
Did they fall on deaf ears?
You forget the words of only yesteryear?
Have I betrayed you?

Don't worry, you weren't the only one to make me cry.

too long

I enjoyed my trip to Eureka Springs. Arkansas is simply beautiful. No matter what anyone else says about it, I really enjoy driving through Arkansas. I just might go again next week. I took off next Thursday through Sunday for a trip. I thought we were going to Houston, then it changed to Chicago, and now it looks like no one can go. That's okay, I'm headed out. I can just take my own car and drive, insha'Allah. I'm flexible. But since I've already taken the days off, I want to make the most of it. Speaking of taking days off, I can't believe I signed up to work this much during my VACATION! I have forgotten how hard it is to work with little kids. Alhamdulillah, I have patience, but it is seriously killing me. I have to come home and take a nap almost every day. Today, I had to FORCE myself to go to Riverside! FORCE myself. I LOVE to visit my favorite spot. I enjoy the walk/jog. I enjoy the breeze and the time to think and jam to my music. And even though I made myself go today, I enjoyed every second. I actually stayed really long. I had far too much fun sprinting across the bridge at nearly full speed in the wind of the biker who was probably annoyed by my presence. I had a great workout and then I sat and just decided to think. I have a soundtrack to my life. I choose the song and think. Sometimes the wind is the song, sometimes the passing cars and the fishermen. Sometimes it's a little sould and a flash of jazz or a hint of pop or a tad of blues. Today, I don't know what it was. It was just my thoughts. A little sister run away and I don't know why. A brother locked away and I know all too well why. I wondered how many of our bros are locked away and how broken the system is. I wondered how many of our sisters decide the running is better than sitting. I can't fix it, and that has taken all of me. I don't have the energy anymore. I sat and waited. And as I waited, I asked myself what I was waiting for. Which made me think of who I was waiting for and loneliness that doesn't really bother me anymore. But it does. I sat alone and didn't want anyone to bother me. I didn't feel like conversation or the facade of pleasantries. I only wanted to think. I was kind of hoping for a miracle. I was kind of hoping I'd see one of them. I thought I had more than once; I lost them both again. I am at the edge of my water. I don't know whether to jump in or just sit at the edge. I don't feel like talking in metaphors really, but I can't help it. I am a little lonely, but I am embraced in love. I am sad, but I insist on being happiness. I am waiting, but I am far too busy. The clock is ticking, in reality, and I have to catch the train. Ooh, speaking of trains, maybe I could just take a train. I have been wanting to do that. Speaking of wanting, I think I will find a ticket to My Fair Lady this Sunday. I love that musical!!! Speaking of musicals, I am also going to plan on seeing one of the Wicked performances this month, insha'Allah.

There much better.