Saturday, April 18, 2009

Self-censorship

I'm not really one to block my thoughts. I'd much rather write without worrying about the consequences, post without fear of reprecussions, and speak without being threatened. I am in no way harmed or under any oppression. Well, except the opression of my own hand. I am censoring myself. I can't really write all the things I want. Saying them would be too hard. Explaining them too difficult. Accepting them too deprecating. But above all, to write them would only expose my own flaws, and that is something the powerful never allow.

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I always have weird dreams, but last night, they were dreams of all things I fear. They have left me with a funny taste in my mouth and fear churning in the pit of my stomach.
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"Do you ever wonder why all this is happening? Do you ever feel that you're getting the shaft because of it? Is that selfish?" she asked, all the words almost coming out at once, the confession, the one too shady to utter, only just announced and the silence only thus broken.
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"No. Not at all." The voice was soft and true. "It was just time for bad things again. They come in cycles. It was just time."
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With hardship comes ease. Verily, with hardship comes ease. (Quran 94: 5-6)

2 comments:

Salah said...

I've started reading C.G. Jung's book Dreams and it talks about the brain has a censor that suppresses the deep thoughts that will damage us. I know it's not what you're talking about but it reminded of it. I always ask myself why is all this happening? but I try to keep faith in the will of Allah and nothing else really matters.

ibeebarbie said...

Salam,

From my experience, fear alone creates such illusions. Fear of exposing one's self, fear of achieving something, fear of losing something...whatever the thing may be that one is associating fear with will create such results. Perhaps pinpointing the exact thing that one is fearful of and acknowledging it for what it is will begin to create relief thus eliminating the fear.