It's just that I always want something I cannot have.

It's just that I don't want what I can have.

I am constantly chasing that which I cannot have.

It's funny because I have always thought of myself as a fairly rational person. Rational, it seems, in all ways except love. And I find myself rebelling in as many ways as I will let myself. They are fairly small ways, but they are my own way of being rebellious. I know I am unhappy. So unhappy. I have found a deep dark place inside of myself and I don't necessarily like it. I think I may like it well enough though for it seems that I could get myself out of it if I wanted. But maybe I don't.

I don't want to marry a FOB. It worked for you? Cool. Great. Congrats. But I don't think I can do it.

I want to fall in love.

I want to date. Maybe not in a horribly modern sense, but in a romantic "his hand brushed mine" and a "he held the door open for me as we went into the restaurant" type of way.

I want to feel pretty and I want to be pursued.

I feel so desperate and yet I am not willing to settle at all. It is totally ironic, I know.

My friend is gone. I miss her. Though I know I can't talk about this with her anymore. I can't talk to anyone about it anymore. And so I turn to you again, blog. I turn to you so that I can vent to someone, cause God knows I can't use Facebook or my friends or family. I can't show my biggest weakness there and and I cannot talk about this anymore for it is the only thing that I seem to want to talk about. I am becoming a recluse. A social recluse. A paradox, I know. But I am always alone in a group of people. And always talking to those I love, but never love in the way I wish.

I know I am loved. I know that I am lucky. But I am so lonely I can feel it weighing down on my face.

I am bitter these days...but not in a horrible way. Just this way:

A divorced woman remarries, and I wonder what's wrong with me.
A widowed woman has suitors she denies and then decides to marry, and I wonder what the hell is wrong with me.
Divorced for two days? No biggie, there's a man for her too. And me? I'm still single.
What? Cheated on your husband? That's okay, here's another for you. Yep, you guessed it: I'm all alone watching.
Eighteen and getting married? So happy for you. So sad for me.

I do not begrudge my sisters their love. I truly rejoice in their happiness. I just revel in my own sadness. I am wallowing in self-pity and hate it.

This is not me. I know it is not me. I know that there is something so wrong with me. Maybe it is all this country music I am listening to :). <----that. That is me. That joke and that smile, that is me. And that is what I do so that a serious issue does not define me. That is what I do so that the moment doesn't kill me. And that is what I do all the freaking time. I am tired of it. I need friends my own age. I need to find love. Immediate, happy, true love.

I know what I think I want.

But whatever, it's all good. I will go on. I will be presumably happy. I will smile and I will stay busy. I will rejoice in one more day. Maybe a day closer to happiness.

Alhamdulillah. Always alhamdulillah.

It's not a normal attraction.

Or maybe it is.

It's not solely
about physical attraction.

I just want to be
protected by him.

Don't tell me what to do...

Don't tell me what to do.
Who do you think you are?
You are not my father.
You are not my friend.
You are not even my lover.
You are a potential (and no longer that).


I cannot stand it when a guy says he wants his wife to stay at home. I mean, it's all fine and dandy....for someone else. I have a job (one a bit better than yours) and it's a good job (working with kids and all). How can you want a partnership, a relationship, if all you want to do is tell ME what to do?

I know, I'm being lame. I probably won't even want to work. But I am too independent to let someone tell me I can't.

Or maybe I need to fall in love first. Maybe I have to really (and I mean REALLY) like the guy to let him tell me what he wants in life without taking offense. Maybe that's the key. Maybe it's too soon to let him be honest. Maybe honesty should come later?

What am I talking about? I abhor games! I don't like to mess around with feelings if the basics aren't even taken care of.

Then again, I don't want to follow the rules anymore.

Screw the rules. Let's see how far this takes me.

Just this far. I can't really break all the rules. Though I wouldn't mind breaking a few. Okay, so maybe I already break a few here and there. Okay, so maybe I have done some things that were breaking the rules only to unbreak the rules and then feel all crappy. Okay, breaking the rules isn't win-win.

But then again, neither is this.

Man, I have missed you blog. :)

Not quite a kilt.

I need to clarify a few things:

I did go out to meet a guy.

I did meet him on an online dating site.

The guy wore a skirt to this "date" for coffee.

There is a fantastic story here.

It makes everyone laugh.

I just don't feel like sharing now.

Wait for it. It's a great story.