near the end of apathy

I am okay
and I am alright
but damn the
stubborn tears
still hot in my eyes.

I feel like she is making a mistake, and that I, in letting her make that mistake, am making an even greater mistake. He should never have hit. NEVER. But it is far more than that. I helped her leave, and I saw no problem in that at the time. But now some of the things she has said are not exactly true. I know she fears for the baby, but she has forgotten to hope for the baby. I don’t think it is fair. I don’t know what I would do in her situation. But I do think she should give it another shot. All the issues are out in the open. If he’s willing to start, shouldn’t she? Not for their own sakes, but for the baby’s? I have mixed feelings about it, but I’m really leaning towards a resolve to the problem if he is now willing to try. I think it would help to lay everything out on the table and be honest and straightforward (as they should have always been to begin with). I will have a heart-to-heart with her when I see her fact to face. Some things are too difficult to bring up over the phone. The issues of religion and the sanctity of marriage (not what I mean, but close enough). The issue of raising a child with her father and finding yourself in life. I don’t know how to say it, but I know I will. It’s my job. I wish I could talk to him. I think I will. What could it possibly hurt? I know she is afraid that he’ll take the baby and run, but I don’t see that happening. I know she is afraid to make him love the baby and have that be an issue in their possible (nearly probable) divorce. I think he should go with me to see her. I think he should have gone a long time ago. I think there is something wrong with her; something to make her think this way. She got what she wanted and then gave up on the rest. I don’t think it is right.

We still talk about marriage though. She still says she wants to find me a guy. It’s a little ironic. I told her about the guy who was talking to me while still married. She told me a similar story. It was ironic and funny. I haven’t told her that I’m seriously working on it. I’m not turning anyone away immediately. I’m giving everyone a chance. It won’t be easy for anyone, I think. But I am ready. If only I could let go.

Pseudo-date

So it was all a waste of time.
I mean I don't mind meeting people,
really one of the reasons I didn't mind
meeting someone new in an open venue,
but he already knew it was all for naught.
It's a little funny to me though.
All in all, at least I can say I did try
and I didn't just run away from a chance,
no matter how unlikely.

I drank an entire tall cup
of hot tea in an hour
WITHOUT a bit of sugar.
Ironically, I like a little tea
with my sugar. :)

He talked of himself for most of the time.
I listened.

He talked of relations with a sort of lack of respect.
I secretly despised
(for who was I to be told
what should be family secrets).

He talked of the past and failed marriage.
I listened
(knowing all too well that
it was a sort of deal breaker of sorts).

Overall, it wasn't a bad "date."
I only write so that one day
I will remember
with a little
chuckle.

makes me think of what I (have) missed
what I am (always) missing

perplexing

someone called me last night
and asked me out
well, kind of
sort of
maybe?

don't really know who he is
but made a plan
well, i guess
somewhat
maybe?

this has never really happened
but i was sleeping
sort of

i was ambiguous, as i usually am
when i don't know what
to do really

don't really know if i want to meet him
though i'd promised myself
i'd actually give guys a try
this year, rather than
just putting them
down after a
minute

on the other hand, can't really imagine
myself telling my dad, or mom
for that matter, about the
random phone call or
the weirdness
of it all

i could be wrong though
maybe he just needs help with homework
or something like that

as a matter of fact, i really almost
asked if that is what it's about
but i don't think i'm naive
enough to think that
or stupid enough
to go alone

i could still be wrong though

helping someone with their english
homework is what i do best
i think

the conversation on the phone
only lasted a minute and a half
and i was in bed almost asleep
when my phone rang, vibrated really,
under my pillow
it was a random number,
and since i've been getting
random calls from random numbers,
people leaving weird messages
or not responding when i answer,
i decided to try it again
and then i was confused
i couldn't think of a way to weasel
out of the situation,
something i am usually very good at,
and just sort of left it at
"can you call me tomorrow"
i almost thought it didn't happen
i mean, it could have
all been in my head
right?

wait a minute though
maybe
just maybe
he'll pay for dinner
instead of me paying
for it all,
that can only happen
to a girl once,
right?

Happiness is…

scattered showers right after a sun storm
finishing a good book in less than three days
jogging a mile with a cool river’s breeze on my back
admitting an unreciprocated love despite the complications
singing with all your soul even when your voice is unpleasant
dancing in a closet to your own peppy beat
leftover pieces of birthday cake
a pink scarf on a black day
a green-yellow banana
big Gerber daisies
fluffy clouds
a baby
visiting friends
praying for the best
asking for forgiveness
skipping with the sisters
a comment you leave on my blog
a smile in a face, a glimmer in an eye
gum that last longer than twenty minutes
whipped cream in a warm mug of hot cocoa
this conversation I’m having with you in my head
not the loss of a hint of sadness in my tone
being asked to be a friend’s bridesmaid
every single hope and prayer left in me
every thought of her that still flutters
pictures both in mind & on shelf
applying your own nail polish
absolutely perfect highlights
strong and somewhat scary
a great finished product
a stunning red dress
the best flat shoes
a pedicure
writing





The journey towards finding happiness will never quite end...nor could these thoughts ever be quite complete.